


Fumbling to keep up with her pace

by itsjustmejenn



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Small Town, Alternate Universe - Sports, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Fighting, Football, Gay, Maybe - Freeform, Smut, Sports, they're lesbians harold, track
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 08:46:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 41,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18340217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsjustmejenn/pseuds/itsjustmejenn
Summary: Laura and her dad move to a new town after her mother's passing. Laura works through what her new life looks like especially with having the eyes of Silas High school's quarterback, Carmilla Karnstein on her.





	1. A Change in Pace

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!! Welcome back to another AU!! I already have this fic planned out in my head so it should be quite frequently updated. Hope you guys enjoy. 
> 
> As always sorry for any grammatical or spelling mistakes. And also I'm not the best with football or track terms so if I make a mistake with that give me some grace lol 
> 
> Also as always a huge thanks to my beta thatwickedozian who helps me not go crazy!!!  
> AND FINALLY! If any of you creampuffs like playing video games or watching them, I HAVE A YOUTUBE CHANNEL where I play different games! Still in my first series of Assassin's Creed Odyssey! Oh and did I mention my main character is queer? Link for the channel below if your interested! My youtube uploading IS consistent unlike my writing lol.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeccIQF2zzTg3fkrORu4MdA  
>  
> 
> long. live. carmilla.

I dropped a box labeled kitchen on our new table in, well, our kitchen. I sighed glancing around the light blue room. It was much bigger than in our old house.

 

“Laura, just a couple more help me finish this out and we can go into town for lunch,”

 

I walked back outside taking another box from the car, passing my Dad on the way.

  
“They better have good chicken fingers here,” I grumbled, walking back in the house. The layout of the house was nicer than the old one too. As soon as you walked in to the left was a study with bookshelves for the far wall, and if you turned right you walked into a very open and light family room. The kitchen was straight back from when you first entered and off the hallway toward the kitchen was a door that led to the finished basement that had an entertainment room on one side of the stairs and a seperate room for me on the other. All the walls were lightly colored and it made the house just feel bigger.

 

I sat the box down in the living room as Dad carried two more in shutting the door with his foot.

 

“This is everything,” he sat them down gently in the doorway to the study, one of the boxes labeled ‘Mom’. It had been over a year, but the old house was just too hard for the both of us. There were nights where I would pretend I couldn’t hear dad crying just two rooms away as I tried to keep my own tears silent as possible. That was before I stopped crying at all. It made me sad to think about but slowly and surely I got very good at pretending I was happy when I wasn’t.

 

This move would be good for them, she had to believe that. Maybe this move would fix them, fix them in a way the old place couldn’t. Offer them something new.

 

“You ready Cub Scout?” he asked, looking at me with blue eyes. The eyes that I didn’t share.

 

“Yeah, I’m ready,”

 

They got back in the car, as if they hadn’t been in here long enough already in the past day.

 

They had moved to quite the big town for South Carolina. She had been expecting hillbillies and country music, and everyone owned a pick up truck. But so far that wasn’t the case. They were only 10 minutes out of town off the main road. Town was filled with older styled buildings but well kept besides the mossy plants that seemed to be everywhere hanging from tall trees. There was a hair shop, a cafe, a thrift store, a church, a Starbucks ( _ thank God) _ , a bakery, the grocery store, and the list went on. It seemed like anything anyone needed was on this strip of road or off of one of the three intersections in town.

The high school was off the second intersection, the road going down towards the building and wrapping around for the buses, I assumed. The building itself was a light washed red brick, two stories tall and a American flag was hanging from the second story, perfectly centered for everyone to see.

 

I couldn’t see much besides that since we passed the intersection pretty quick. That’s where I’ll be on Monday. I had already missed the first week. Turns out getting all the paperwork for transferring and for my classes wasn’t as easy as dad had anticipated.

 

Finally, one of the shops on the far end of town was the diner.  _ Lux’s Diner. Huh weird name.  _ The parking lot on the side of the building was pretty full which made sense for a Saturday afternoon.

 

We pulled in, and walked up into the unfamiliar territory. Well unfamiliar for me. My dad said he used to live the town over as a kid but him and my grandparents moved more North when he was about 10. They had said the education wasn’t as great back then. But now the school is the biggest in the area with one of the finest educations the south has to offer.

 

The first thing I noticed walking in was all the scarlet and gold, total Harry Potter vibes. There were streamers and posters everywhere with  _ Silas Lions  _ on them.  _ How even more ironic.  _ Dad did mention the football team was a huge deal. Naturally it was with small towns but even more so here.

 

A nice woman sat us down at a booth and handed us menus. Within the span of 10 seconds browsing I had found the chicken tenders and fries platter and was completely prepared when a short haired ginger approached us with small notebook in hand and apron around the waist.

 

“Hi, I’m Lafontaine and I’ll be your server today! What can I get you?”

 

“Water with lemon for the both of us, please,” I said simply but nicely. My dad had this look on his face and I could tell I wasn’t going to like whatever he was going to say.

 

“You look about high school age… do you go to Silas?” I tried to fight the urge to cover my face with the menu at my father’s attempt to get me some friends.

 

“I do, yeah! I’m a junior this year!” They replied,  _ Oh no here it com- _

 

“So will my Laura here!” He beamed very pleased with himself, “Well on Monday at least but she is officially a Silas student!”

 

Dad had been very enthusiastic about the whole move. He had a tendency to focus on making other people feel better instead of working from the inside out. I knew he wanted this move for me but in a way I think he knew he needed it just as much. He just wants it to be good for us so I need to remember that before I let myself get annoyed at his ambition.

 

“Well, hey, then welcome! And if you need some help on Monday I’ll be around,” and with that they walked away putting in our orders that came out just 15 minutes after.

 

Dad and I had light conversation as we ate, about the move and school and his new job. He had worked in social work but now with the new job he would have to commute. The nearest thing resembling a city was about an hour away so he had found a well paying job with Child Services there. He was always the protector and the advocate so it always felt like something that fit him perfectly.

 

“You think you’ll try out for the track team?” I had a chicken tender halfway in my mouth, so I nodded in response and swallowed.

 

“Yeah I think I will. I mean they might have already had tryouts and stuff but it’s work a shot,” I added. Apart of me wanted to tryout but another part of me kind of didn’t like that idea. It was a lot of change in a very short period so why add to the stress by trying out?

 

After about an hour there, we headed back home to start unpacking everything. I started in the living room while dad was clanking around in the kitchen. It seemed like everything was actually coming together. I found a spot for everything and the room felt like it was ours. LIke we live here. Granted we do now live here, but now it actually feels like theirs.

 

I wandered down to the basement, and hung a right into the big open area of my room. The dark wood flooring was perfect with my pale yellow walls. A pile of boxes labeled with my name on it sat at the foot of my uncovered bed. I had two night stands on either side of my bed and closet on the wall next to the stairs. I was still waiting for a couple pieces to come in, like my dresser and my L desk for the corner.

 

I started to unpack and kept repeating the same thing.  _ This move will be good for us. _

 

_

 

Monday rolled around all too fast. I groaned fumbling around for my phone that was inessently beeping at me to wake up. I pulled myself out of bed rubbing my tired eyes. Turns out staying up late to read Harry Potter fanfiction before the first day of school was not the best idea.

 

Luckily I planned my outfit out the night before so I didn’t have to worry about my tired brain leaving me in some horrid outfit later on. I pulled on my blue skinny jeans and white sleeveless button up with blue polka dots. I slid on my tan flats and let my blonde hair hang straight. I walked up stairs barely paying attention as I glanced through this morning’s feed on tumblr.

 

I got to the top of the stairs and closed the door behind me entering the kitchen where my dad had already left a note, a bowl, spoon and a box of my favorite cereal out. I could swear that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was by far the best cereal ever imaginable. I would die by that statement. His note was simple, stating he had already left for work and he’d be back around 4 tonight for dinner.

 

The clock read 6:57am which was perfect, bus is supposed to be here at 7:05. I shoveled my CTC into my mouth and grabbed my backpack from the study on my way to the end of the driveway. The gravel driveway crunched softly underneath my feet.

 

The air was different here. The constant smell of the marsh and those mossy trees just wouldn’t go away. I kind of missed my home a little today but I just went back to my matra in my head.  _ This move will be good for us. _

 

The bus pulled up, halting in front of me, doors flying open. sat down roughly not bothering to turn around. I was one of the first off the bus and headed straight for the main office for my schedule. The inside of Silas was just as big as it looked on the outside. It was spacious and clean. A brown haired lady looked over her computer and frowned.  _ Okayyy then. _

 

“Hi, um-I’m Laura Hollis. I’m uh-new and just needed my schedule… please?”

 

I’m surprised the lady did anything I asked considering that kind of greeting.  _ Way to go me jeez.  _ She handed a yellow form over the top of her computer after pulling it from the printer under her desk. I didn’t even bother looking at it. I bit out a thanks and turned on my heel into the hall. Upperclassmen were on the second floor, that much I figured as my eyes wandered over the sea of short and pimply freshmen.

 

I walked down the hallway and then halfway up the stairs stopping on the platform. Someone bumped into me roughly and snarled out a ‘watch it newbie’. I shuffled more to the side and out of the way look down at my schedule.

 

SILAS HIGHSCHOOL SCHEDULE

     Laura Hollis

 

GOLD DAYS                          Locker: 307

BLOCK 1 : Biology II             14-3-48

BLOCK 3 : AP English

BLOCK 5 : Free Period

BLOCK 7 : Statistics

 

SCARLET DAYS

BLOCK 2 : Journalism

BLOCK 4 : P.E.

BLOCK 6 : AP History

BLOCK 8 : Creative Writing

 

“Laura, right? I looked up to see the only other face I would know here. Lafontaine, who apparently has impeccable timing.

 

“You look confused,” they stated, grabbing the schedule from my hands and looking it over. I mumbled thanks.

 

“Well the good news is your first class is with me so let’s go,” they handed it back to me and started walking up the rest of the steps. I quickly followed as they started talking out loud.

 

“Everything you need to know about Silas. Every Monday is a Gold day and then it just rotates every day and resets every week. Obviously, upperclassmen are upstairs. Lunch is about an hour because the whole school is having lunch then and it happens between block 3 and 5 and then block 4 and 6. We have our own cafeteria up here so it actually doesn’t get too crowded. And if you drive you can go get lunch and come back,”

 

I shifted my backpack just listening so I wouldn’t miss anything when Laf halted in front of me and gestured to the gray locker with a little ‘tada’. I smiled opening my locker and dumping my extra notebooks I didn’t need for only two classes this morning.

 

Laf began walking toward the way of our classroom and I shrugged my backpack back on roughly and followed yet again.  _ They have a thing for leaving me in the dust.  _ We entered the classroom picking seats next to each other about half way back. I’d still prefer the front even as a new girl but I got the vibe that all the other seats were already filled.

 

Turns out Laf is really into science, especially biology. I figured this will help me out considering I suck at biology and anything in relevance. I always got decent grades just because I worked really hard, and frequently got tutoring to ensure I did well. I needed to have a good academic record in order to get into a good journalism university. I never understood how some people can never take notes and get 100s on tests. I’m pretty sure the types of people that can do that are normally people I don’t like. I took notes and paid attention, asking Laf if I could take pictures of their notes from the previous week as well.

 

After the bell rang, Laf gave me fair direction to my AP English class… that I promptly forgot after they walked away. I walked further down the hall but quickly realized maybe this wasn’t the right way at all. I stood in a classroom doorway peering inside.  _ This might be it, I should double check first.  _ I turned quickly slamming into a  _ very  _ firm body.

 

“Okay  _ ow, _  do you not watch where you’re going?” the voice snarled. I began to rush out an apology before stopping myself and realizing that it was the same voice that had snapped at me before. I stepped back ready to unleash total destruction on this girl who clearly had some kind of problem. And then I saw her, her chestnut eyes framed with black curly hair. Her jawline was sculpted harshly and her cheekbones were high. Her brows were furrowed and her lips were pursed.

“Why don’t you take a picture and make your way back down stairs frosh,” she sneered, roughly slipping passed me.

 

_ Oh no you-  _ I turned following her into the classroom. She was already in a seat in the far back of the first row. I made my way down the row trying to not focus on how pretty she was, or how her eyes followed me the whole way, or that smirk plastered on her face. I lowered my eyes from her face to her black skinny jeans and black band sleeveless shirt.  _ Wow she had some definition. So toned-she must workout a lot- FOCUS.  _ I met those hard brown eyes that had to be the reason my skin felt like it was burning. Her eyes rolled,

 

“You have something to say Cupcake? Because if not then,” she made a shooing motion with her hands. My face burned and scrunched in complete distaste for her attitude.

 

“You were incredibly rude,” I said, anger slipping into my tone. She leaned forward on her desk, tilting her head slightly as her eyes roamed for just a second.

 

“And?” Her eyebrows rose daring for a response. She was actually challenging me right now.  _ Unbelievable. _

 

“And you should apologize for being an ass,” my jaw was set firmly, and my eyes narrowed as she sat back.

 

“No,”

 

“What do you mean, no?”

 

“I said no, now bye bye newbie,” she waved at me and my hands balled into fists. I opened my mouth ready to rip into her disrespectful and apathetic body.  _ You forgot hot body. Get it together Laura come on. _

 

“I’m assuming you’re our new student?” I turned, looking at the front of the classroom where a middle aged man stood behind his desk. Other students had filed in filing the seats, I was the only one standing. I nodded absently.

 

“Well then welcome to Silas and AP English Ms. Hollis, please take your seat,” I looked around and the only open seat was directly in front of Mistress of Snark. I glared at her before sitting down roughly. The teacher began talking about a reading assignment and I heard her voice closer to my right ear.

 

“That scrunched up face you make is hilarious, Cupcake,”

 

I turned in my seat.  _ Goddamn smirk.  _ “Bite me.”

 

“Carmilla, Laura, unless you want to stay after school and miss extracurriculars I suggest you pay attention,” his voice carried from the front of the room.

 

_ Carmilla. It’s a pretty name. She’s pretty. And an asshole that we don’t like. _

 

Carmilla’s eyes lingered a moment longer before looking past me,

 

“Sorry Mr. Benson I was just welcoming  _ Laura _  and offering to show her around,” She smiled sweetly and my eyes bulged.  _ Dirty liar.  _ I turned back to the front where Mr. Benson had softened.

 

“That’s very kind of you Carmilla but it can wait until after class,” he’s attention went back to the whiteboard. I sent her a daggered glare over my shoulder, then promptly rolled my eyes when she winked at me.

 

_ Whatever. _

 

The period passed rather quickly with no further interruptions from Carmilla except her occasional shifting in her seat and bouncing leg. The bell rang and I put my notebook in my bag and Carmilla stopped at my desk.

 

“So I guess you aren’t a lost freshmen then?” she jeered. I didn’t even give her the satisfaction of looking up while I zipped my bag.

 

“No,”

 

“Well if you want I can  _ show  _ you around,” the way she drew the offer out was nothing less of blunt. I stood, looking at her again,

 

“How about you leave?” I tugged my backpack on and moved toward the door.

 

“Fine. Try not to run over anyone’s feet with your toddler wheels on your way to lunch,” she bit back walking away from me and down the hall.

 

_ She may be an asshole but she is insanely hot.  _ I tried to act as though I didn’t stare at her ass for at least ten seconds before walking the opposite way to lunch.

 

Lunch was easy. I found Lafontaine and sat with them and their friend Perry. A curly haired redhead who was klenexing the table upon arrival. They also introduced me to Danny, a tall pretty girl. Who also had red hair.  _ There’s a lot of gingers in this town.  _ She is the Captain of the track team and told me I could come tryout today after school. We spent most of the lunch period talking about what events I do and previous times I’ve had.

 

The two classes after that were simple. It was only a week in so everything had just started picking up actual school stuff. When the last bell rang I wandered around until I found my locker again and Danny came up casually leaning against the locker next to mine.

  
“You ready for this Hollis?” She was already changed and had on a black shirt that said Silas Track on it with black running shorts.

 

“I’m definitely ready. I’m just lucky I thought to bring my change of clothes and shoes,” I smiled at her closing my locker and she walked me to the end of the hallway where the upperclassmen women’s locker room was. Once I was done we took the back staircase down and out to the fields. I walk over to the stadium wasn’t far at all. Danny explained she was going to have me run 3 miles in 24 minutes considering I needed about a 6 minute mile which is what Silas Track averages. So as long as I can do it within 24 minutes, then we have a starting point to get me down to 6 minutes a mile.

 

We walked through underneath the bleachers which was the entrance to the track and field. It felt a lot bigger than it looked from the school. The football players were out warming up already and some track kids were already getting in a couple laps. Danny left me at the edge of the field for a second to go talk to a teammate about practice today and a tall brown haired, puppy looking football player walked up from behind me.

 

“Hey! Are you the new girl?! I’m Kirsch!” He extended his hand with a goofy grin. I smiled and shook his hand.

 

“I’m Laura,” I gestured to his football gear, “I heard the team was really good,” His face lit up.

 

“Oh we are. We’re the best team in South Carolina and we beat out a lot of other teams from other states too! Our coaches work us really hard to make us the best,”

 

“I don’t know much about football honestly, besides the basics at least,”

 

“I could totally explain it to you one day, maybe at lunch or something!” His face shifted for a second, “Not like a date or anything-I’m dating Danny but totally as a friend!” He offered a fist bump which I laughed at and bumped.

 

“So are you the QB?” I asked. It would make sense. Kirsch is a tall guy and well built.

 

He barked out a laugh and doubled over for a second before standing upright and shaking his head, he saw my frown and apologized.

 

“Sorry sorry,” he laughed again, “It’s just that no one like  _ doesn’t  _ know who our Quarterback is, like that just doesn’t happen,” He nodded to the field where they were practicing a run and the ball got hiked to white jersey number 12. 12 must be the QB that Kirsch was talking about.    
  


The guy seemed a lot shorter than most of the guys on the team and his arms were toned but not nearly as massive like a lot of players. How could this be their QB? Maybe their team wasn’t as great as everyone said. The run was really tight and there were no openings, this guy was going to get sacked. Just before an offensive lineman broke through and could touch the QB, somehow he threw a fast spiral right into a wide receivers hands. The ball had went through the chaos and havoc and was practically wrapped with a bow to the receiving player. How he found that hole was beyond me. The coach started yelling stopping the play,

 

“Karnstein what did I say?! I want you working long throws! What the hell was that tight opening bullshit?!”

 

“Wow he’s really good,” I stated, looking up at Kirsch next to me. He looked down at me and nodded for me to keep watching.

 

“Karnstein isn’t a dude, little hottie,” I looked back to the field to watch number 12 jog over closer to us where the coach was standing and pull his helmet off. My eyes widened, no way.

 

Dark loose curls were pulled back into a low ponytail. Sweat dripped from her- _ yes her- _ forehead down her face as she nodded listening to the coaches corrections. It was Carmilla. Carmilla was the Quarterback. Danny had walked up next to Kirsch and Carmilla must have seen the movement because her gaze shifted to us and rested on me. She smirked, that is until her coach smacked her in her shoulder pads to pay attention. The smirk was dropped and she was all business again.

 

“Now go run it again!” He finished and she stepped away from him pulling her helmet back on and resuming her position on the field.

 

“You ready to start Laura?” I looked over to Danny and nodded,

 

“Yeah, Yeah I’m ready.” I walked over and got into a starting position.


	2. One more drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh and look, a little ball of tween sunshine somehow made it through the door despite the fact that you're way to small for any rides here”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI GUYS! chapter 2 is finally here! sorry for a little delay but I made it longer in hopes of making up for the time length!! enjoy! please leave comments it totally helps with the speed of the next chapter!! Sorry for any mistakes, you know how when you read something so much you barely notice mistakes thats probably what happened lol sorry love you creampuffs! enjoy!

I always liked to run. There was something about it that just made sense, like a switch inside of me. Maybe it had to do with fulfilling the feeling I always had, the urge to run. Didn’t matter where, just somewhere. Away from everything that constantly followed me. Away from my mom’s death, away from the sadness that lingered like a shadow within my father’s eyes when he looked at me. Just away. So maybe that’s why I found the release in running, I was doing something I truly wanted to do except, you know, in a circle. It made it easier sometimes. But not all the time. Sometime’s I just couldn’t get her out of my head. Her eyes. Her voice. _Our_ memories. The beach trips were always the best. My parents had this really baren and old but amazing house on the beach. My mom inherited it and we went every November after all the tourists were gone. It was just us. It’s my favorite memory to visit because I remember believing it was forever, believing that she would be here forever. But being naive and hopeful never helped anyone, _especially not me._

 

The first lap felt like it was going by slow even if I wasn’t actually slow. The feeling of eyes resting on my form was normal when I ran, but this time was a little harder to keep my focus. Whose eyes they were I wasn’t sure, I didn’t dare to break the slim concentration I had on the task to look. Could have been Danny, or Kirsch but parted of me wanted it to be the girl with the chestnut eyes.

 

Laps started to blend together. Danny had told me before I started that she doesn’t tell me my time until the end. She thinks that if people know how well they’re doing they’ll settle, so to avoid it she allows people to push themselves. My breathing started dragging, becoming more labored. I did the opposite of what I felt like doing, and pushed myself faster. I only had one more mile and didn’t have any sense of my time because I had been lost in my head. I pushed harder. The deep feeling in the bottom of my stomach was telling me not to eat a peanut butter and fluff sandwich before running 3 miles anymore.

 

We didn’t move much further south but the difference in temperature intensity was definitely affecting me. Sweat was dripping from my brow and on my chest. A bead slipped down the back of my neck and down the column of my spine.

 

I urged my legs to run the last two laps, at a faster pace. I slowed into a jog after I crossed the finish line. I threw my hands up and rested them on my head taking deep breaths. I turned walking back toward Danny seeing her with a grin on her face. I glanced toward the field where Carmilla was getting a drink, eyeing me with yet another smirk. _I swear, could her face do anything else?_

  
“Laura, that was awesome! 17.78 well below the time given and one of the faster tryouts I’ve seen,” Danny complimented enthusiastically, opening her arms when she reached me. I laughed lightly and accepted her hug. My eyes wandered back to Carmilla, her smirk was gone and she turned back to the field.

 

It was nice having a friend already. Well, a couple friends with Laf, Perry, Danny and Kirsch. Maybe the fresh start was something I did need. With new people, people that didn’t see me as who I was but who I am now- who I could be. _This move is going to be good for us._

  


After my tryout I got to join the distance team for practice. I ran with the middle distance runners until I could adjust better to the long distance. I stood up after stretching out post practice, and began to head to the locker room with Danny. Danny peeled off to go get her car since I missed the bus for practice. I walked in the locker room grabbing my backpack and turning around to leave. I opened the door and effectively slammed into… Carmilla... _again_. The painful groan that escaped her lips almost had an apologizing.

 

“Seriously Cupcake, can you quit running into me?” The air grew a little colder, her voice was sharper than normal.

 

I rolled my eyes, “as if I do it on purpose,” Her eyes found mine they seemed to soften but only for a moment.  

 

“I could see why you would want to, I’ve been told I have a nice body.” her eyebrows wiggled suggestively, “tryna feel me up Hollis?”

 

It didn’t surprise me that Carmilla was confident. She seemed like the type of person who was naturally perfect and good at everything. Probably had a mom and dad that were still alive and together. Parents that loved her and supported her. The kind of family that pays for the best education and tutoring. The type of family that probably would be laughing at Carmilla even interacting with a girl from the middle class with a single father.

 

“Don’t flatter yourself,” I scoffed, “I have standards,” I moved past her out into the hall.

 

“Ouch Creampuff,” I dared a glance back and her muscular arms were folded across her chest and her eyes boring into mine. I tried to not let my face deepen any more red than it already was. Her jersey was covered with dirt and grass stains. Her seemingly perfect hair was messy from her helmet and all traces of makeup were gone. She was beautiful regardless. _A beautiful asshole Laura. You don’t need to get involved with someone like her. She probably pulls this with all the girls._ I stared a moment longer then turned to leave, walking out the side door saying nothing.

 

The car ride was pretty quiet with light conversation about my classes and how my first day went. And then Danny asked it.

 

“So why’d you move to Silas?”

 

I had been thinking of how I would answer this because I knew I couldn’t out run it. I didn’t want to lie but a part of me just wasn’t ready.

 

“My dad got a new job in the city. He grew up close to here and figured it’d be a good fit for us,” I avoided eye contact as I told my half truth, and suddenly the passing trees became very interesting.

 

“Silas really is a great school, has a lot of opportunity for people. Especially talented athletes,”

 

_Talented athletes. Like Carmilla._ I thought about asking about her for a second then quickly dismissed it. _What did I care about her anyway?_ I glanced over at Danny who looked at me and smiled before turning back to the road.  We were coming up on my driveway and I directed her to my baby blue mailbox.

 

I grabbed my backpack thanking Danny before getting out. My dad’s car was missing and when I checked the time I knew he was still at work. I stepped into our beautiful white rancher. Everything was finally put away and it actually looked like home. I dropped my backpack in the doorway of the study.

 

I walked toward the kitchen and hung a left down the hallway to my room and bathroom to get a shower.

 

A couple hours passed and I was in fresh clothes and my damp hair was almost dry. _The school work is definitely a lot more intense here._ I was sitting in the office completing the last bit of my biology homework when my dad walked in the door with a huff dropping his work bag.

 

He looked a little older than normal today which was normal when he gets stressed. He was balding heavily in the front middle of his head. He was a heavier man but well able and very healthy. He did his best to make sure both of us ate a very healthy diet with the single exception of my cookies and occasional fried food.

 

He looked in my direction and a smile instantly lit his face up. He was younger again.

 

“Hey Cub Scout, what are you thinking for dinner?” I did my best not to wince at the nickname. I knew it was a habit that he could never break but it made my heart a little sick almost every time I heard it.

 

“I checked the fridge earlier, I was going to start dinner so it was ready when you got home but we haven’t gone grocery shopping yet,” My dad’s face faltered a minute. It was the face he makes when he feels like he’s messed up or isn’t doing good enough.

“Hey, why don’t I go grab my shoes and we can go right now and make dinner when we get back?” I offered trying to clean the hurt from his face like how mom always did. He must have recognized what I did to because a sad but grateful smile grew. We never really talk about our feelings, we aren’t good at it. But we are good at recognizing small signs that we’re hurting and helping in other small ways. _A day at a time cub scout._ It was probably the most repeated phrase in our house growing up. Well, maybe a runner up to: _Hand out of the cookie jar Laura Eileen._

 

“Yeah, that sounds good Laur. I’ll go back out and start the car. Lock the door on your way out,” He turned back, opening and closing the door behind him.

 

I really did enjoy the small feeling of town. It felt homey I guess. The sun was starting to sink, glazing the town in golden yellow and orange rays. The street lights had illuminated, and you could see into shop windows. We pulled into the parking lot behind the grocery store and walked up.

 

My father and I wandered the aisles dropping food into the cart I was pushing. A lot of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and proteins. We passed the groups of nuts that I eyed warily. I had a large hatred for nuts which is partial because of my food allergy but even the one time I accidently had some as a kid the texture was absolutely horrible.  

 

They headed toward check out and I smiled seeing the cashier.

 

“Hey Kirsch,” I waved smiling. He looked up from whatever he was messing with on the cash register and grinned at me.

 

“Hi Laura! Mr. Laura’s dad,” Krisch stuck his hand out to my father which my father took greeting him.

 

“Hi there, you’re friends with my Laura?” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I always hated when he referred to me as “his Laura”. It just makes me feel like I’m not my own person. Kirsch started ringing up our food relaying to my dad about my tryout and how we met through Danny. My father beamed hearing that I was making friends.

 

“That’s really great that you’re settling in so fast Laur, I definitely want to hear all about it at dinner,”  Kirsch finished checking us out and we went our separate ways. On our way home we passed the two story cafe which was also a bookstore, and I asked my dad if I could stop to get an iced coffee now so I would have it for school tomorrow morning. He pulled over, parking handing me a five dollar bill which I took happily.

 

The door dinged as I walked in. The smell was amazing. Warm coffee beans and old books. It was almost magical. I looked around, the counter was to my left in the back, the rest of the room had small tables where some people sat with laptops or books. Two of the inner walls were floor to ceiling bookshelves and the staircase in the far right corner suggested upstairs was more books. I made a mental note to come do homework here one day. I stepped up to the counter ordering a medium caramel coffee with heavy cream and paid. With a few minutes to kill I wandered around glancing at titles on the shelfs and making my way up stairs. Upstairs seemed like a maze of book shelves. There were a couple bean bag chairs in almost every row. I looked closely at one of the books when through the crack of the shelf I saw a head of dark hair and a book. I lowered my eye level and could see her face. _Carmilla. And she’s reading? Who would have thought._ She looked very focused and immersed. I squinted at the title, “To Kill a Mockingbird”. I had never read it but she seemed to be enjoying it. Her dark curls were falling in front of half her face. She was wearing a dark gray hoodie and yoga pants. Of course I bobbed my head all directions to see but that doesn’t mean anything. I decided to just leave her alone considering we weren’t friends at all. I made my way back down stairs grabbing my drink and heading out. When I got in the car my dad looked at me with his brows furrowed.

 

“Everything okay?” I was a little confused by his concern.

 

“Yeah, why?” He shrugged,

 

“You were in there for almost 15 minutes Laur,”

 

I must have been watching Carmilla for a little longer than I thought. _Oops._

 

“My coffee took pretty long and I was looking at some books. All good dad. Ready to go eat?” I questioned. The clarification seemed to satisfy him and we made our way home. He talked about food and work while I tried to shake the quarterback from my mind.

 

__

 

Friday morning rolled around just in time. The week of school and track was already wearing on me. I had spent most days after school at practice, then home doing homework, then dinner and then a late night run. I rushed into biology as the bell rang sitting down roughly in my desk next to Laf. We had our first test today and I had stayed up late on facetime with Lafontaine as they helped me with the earlier material I had missed.

 

“Are you going to the opening game tonight?” they asked but their attention was across the class room on Perry. I snapped my fingers near their face to get their attention. When their eyes focused back to me I chuckled and answered.

 

“No, I’m not. I don’t really have any interest in going,” I flipped through my study guide.

 

“Are you sure? Everyone will be there,” they said. I looked up at them.

 

“Nah, not this time Laf. Not big on sports,”

 

“Alright alright, but at least come to the after party!” I gave them a very hesitant look but before a no could leave my mouth, they continued.

“It’ll be fun! Me and Perry, Danny and Krisch, we’re all going. Come hang out with us,” I did want to continue to build friendships with them and this would be a good opportunity.

 

“Okay, I’ll stop by for a little,” I rolled my eyes playfully and started to put my notes away as the teacher started to pass out our tests.

 

“It better not be lame,” I teased. Their eyebrows rose a little,

 

“Oh a Silas football party is never lame Laura Hollis,”

 

Me and Laf both finished our tests early. It was surprisingly easy. Laf’s help really made the test a cake walk. I thought for a second. Laf is a reliable source. Naturally a question slipped past my lips before I really had time to think about it.

 

“Hey Laf,” they looked up from their phone. I need to play this dumb.

 

“Who’s the quarterback again? I think Danny mentioned it but I don’t remember,”

 

Laf sat their phone down turning towards me and leaning in trying to be respectful of people still taking tests.

 

“You mean Karnstein?” I nodded,

 

“Yeah, she’s been our QB since freshman year. It took a lot of adjustments that first year for the guys to accept her. She had to fit into their world, probably more than she wanted. She won their respect though, the school’s respect too. That girl could find a pair of hands with her eyes closed,” they looked me right in the eyes and pointed to emphasize their point, “Gifted is an understatement,”

 

I thought about this past week and what I had seen between runs. Carmilla was good I could admit but gifted I wasn’t fully convinced.

 

I made my way down the hall toward English. It was hard to ignore the school spirit that had thrown up all over the halls. Scarlet and gold was all I could see. It was easy to pick out the football players, all of them wearing their white home jerseys.

 

As I walked through the door I saw an all too familiar white jersey with a scarlet number ‘12’ on it. I expected some kind of egotistical remark but none came when I sat down. I waited, my fingers tapping an unrecognizable rhythm on the desk. It had to have been at least a minute. I turned,

 

“No snark today?” Carmilla didn’t even glance up from her phone.

 

“Why, pray tell, would I waste my breath insulting _you_?”

 

It was cold and calculated, unlike the normal assholery she had been giving out. It was more like the first time I bumped into her in the hallway. I frowned because I thought she wasn’t actually this rude. I must have been watching a little too long.

 

“Can you get out of my face?” she snapped again, still not looking at me.

 

“Are you okay?” the words left my mouth with genuine concern before I could even think.

 

“Peachy now leave me the _fuck_ alone,” I winced as she growled her response at me.

 

“Fine. Be an asshole, see if I care,” I turned back to the front trying to ignore a small pain in my chest as the bell rang for class to start.

 

Mr. Benson stood up to begin.

 

“Before we start today’s lecture, I wanted to remind everyone about opening game tonight!” The excitement in his voice was nothing short of complete ecstasy, “The Timberwolves are already preparing for another loss against our Lion’s led by Karnstein, of course,” I heard Carmilla’s desk shift under her weight change.  “So if you are able to make it out tonight to support our team’s victory, I highly suggest it,”

 

Mr. Benson carried out the rest of class like normal, giving us our homework at the end for next week as the bell rang. Carmilla was already out of her seat and out the door. I could see a bunch of her teammates already waiting for her in the hall and her demeanor shifted completely. Her shoulders squared back and she greeted her friends confidently as they enthusiastically discussed tonight’s win.

 

One of the boys eyed me and snickered as I walked out of class behind Carmilla into the hallway. He stepped away from the group in front of me. He was tall like Kirsch but not nearly as polite looking. Pale blue eyes, a square jaw and a aura that screamed egotistical prick.

 

“Hey, I’m Jacob,” he smiled sickly at me. Of course the athletic dick’s name is Jacob.

 

“Hey, I don’t care,” I replied going to step around him. I heard the group off to the side laugh at him, I thought I even heard Carmilla too.

 

He stepped in front of me again.

 

“So I was thinking you come to see me tonight and I take you to the after party with me,” he smiled again and it was even less inviting than the first time. I looked toward the black curls in my peripheral vision. She looked like she didn’t know what to do.Her face torn between a smirk and a frown. I don’t know why I expected any better form her. I smiled looking back to the dipshit and he smiled.

 

“So I was thinking,” I started and he leaned in a little pleased with his progress, “That you take your dick and put it in a blender,” I finished.

 

I heard the group howl in laughter as I walked past him again and he didn’t try to stop me. I pretended like Carmilla’s laugh wasn’t the loudest of them all.

 

I found Danny, Laf, and Perry for lunch. I sat down and greeted everyone pulling out my lunch box and unpacking my salad. They mostly were talking about the after party and who would be there. I had asked where Kirsch was and Danny pointed to the end of the cafeteria where half the football team was sitting together. As if on cue, Carmilla and the group that had been with her walked in to sit with them. Danny said that on game days they have to all sit together. The coach apparently thinks it helps team cohesion later that night.

 

The rest of the day was uneventful. I stayed away from as many white jersey’s as I could. I rode the bus home since there was no practice on friday’s. I started my english homework that got assigned today and decided a run was a good idea. I ran into town and back. As I passed the cafe I glanced in locking eyes with Carmilla. I turned away quickly and kept running completely dismissing it from my mind.

 

__

 

It was about time for the game to be over. The clock read 10:15pm. I sat my pencil down when my phone vibrated. 

 

**_Laf (10:15pm): Game’s done. 23-10. Karnstein was throwing bombs all night. Missed a good game. See you at the party!_ **

 

Laf had given me directions about how to get there. It was only about a 15 minute walk which wasn’t bad. I went and pulled on some black shorts, with a white sleeveless t-shirt. The sides were cut lower exposing the side of my black sports bra and my toned sides. My white converse were always the go to party shoes. I walked into the living room where my dad was watching tv.

 

“Hey dad I’m going to meet some friends. It’s like a 10 minute walk, I have my pepper spray and will text you when I get there safe,” he opened his mouth but I beat him to it, “with the secret passcode so you know I’m not an abductor, I know.”

 

“Okay love you Cub Scout,” I winced.

 

“Love you too Pops,” I turned and walked out the door.

 

I walked into town down to the second light and took a left down the well lit road, on the sidewalk. After a couple minutes of walking down I could see a bunch of cars parked along the road and in front of a two story light colored house. It seemed dim inside besides the flashing of different colors and the music so loud I could hear it from here. People were all over. On the lawn, in the house, on the side of the house, hanging in the driveway, everywhere.

 

I opened the screen door walking into a house I didn’t know looking for Lafontaine or Danny, or anyone even remotely recognizable. The kitchen was off to my right where someone was doing a keg stand, which, gross. To my left was what I assumed was a high ceiling dining room that had become a dance floor connected to the living room toward the back of the house. A hallway ran straight from the front door to the living room and I could see double doors to a very populated backyard. I pushed my way through the enormous crowd of people, not really bothering to apologize since no one was really paying attention anyway.

 

There was a pong table set up in the living room, and I saw Jacob from earlier today. I ducked into the backyard before having to deal with another attempt at him flirting with me. There were people in the pool and a large group surrounding a big bonfire. I recognized Danny’s height and stature. She had her back turned to me and I made my way over. I tapped her on the shoulder lightly and she turned.

 

“Hey! You made it!” She smiled, giving me a one armed hug while she tried not to spill her beer in her other hand. I looked around before settling back on her.

 

“Yeah, I did. Apparently so did the whole school,”I laughed lightly. She nodded taking another sip of her drink.

 

“It’s always like this after a game, even if its a loss. We love any reason to throw a party,” She nodded back towards the house, “Wanna go get a drink?”

 

“Yes, that’d be great,” I walked with Danny back to the house. It was even hotter and sweatier than it felt like the first time I walked in. Even with all the windows and doors opened it still managed to go up a couple degrees.

 

We walked past the pong table where a brown haired and narrow-eyed pretty girl was playing. I knew after just a moment of watching her to try and not get in her way. She may look innocent but from personal experience I knew who was bad news. We made our way to the keg where I gratefully let out a breath upon seeing Laf. They were handing out the beers and beverages.

 

“L, what will it be? I have beer, beer and beer,” I put a finger to my chin in an exaggerated charade before asking for a beer.

 

“Thanks,” I said as they passed me a red solo cup of lukewarm beer. We all had been conversing lightly for a couple minutes until over the music the DJ announced some new arrivals.

 

“Yo let me get everybody’s attention real quick!! KARNSTEIN IS IN THE HOUSE!!!” It didn’t matter that we were nowhere near the door. The place erupted in cheers and hollars. My eyes skimmed over everyone and they all did seem to genuinely like her. Which puzzled me because the girl I met and have seen over this past week has done nothing to put her in my good graces. Danny was probably the only one besides me who wasn’t cheering. Danny looked almost disgusted looking at all the peoples reactions. She grimaced,

 

“They cheer for her like she’s some sort of god,” her scoff was laced with something deeper.

 

“Isn’t she to them?” I argued taking a deep sip of my drink as Carmilla appeared around the corner coming toward the beer. Her hair still looked a little damp but was already curling itself into beautiful waves. Her sleeveless black band tee with rips in it exposed some of her toned body but not nearly as much as my unconcious wanted it to. And her black leather pants that shouldn’t look that good on _anybody_. It’s just not safe. She eyed me carefully as she walked up next to me speaking to Laf.

  
“A whiskey please, in the cabinet under the sink,” she turned to me and acted surprised,

 

“Oh and look, a little ball of tween sunshine somehow made it through the door despite the fact that your way to small for any rides here,” she snickered and my eyebrows furrowed involuntarily.

 

I took another sip of my drink, “I’m surprised you could fit through the door with such an egotistical big head like yours. Do tell, is it hard to live with your condition?”

 

She scoffed, “If by condition you mean being one of the greatest things to walk the earth and grace this little town, then not at all sweetheart,” Laf put the drink on the table looking between the two of us. Carmilla grabbed it without her eyes ever leaving mine. She turned walking away, then she stopped and spoke over her shoulder,

 

“I think it’s past your bedtime squirt,” and with that she walked out back where they were setting up another pong table.

 

“Unbelievable. She’s unbelievable,” I finished my beer and Laf refilled it.

  
“Yeah I have no idea what I just watched,” they said with a slightly shocked expression. I looked to Danny who’s face had deepened into an agitated frown. Kirsch came up with a big smile and pointed out there’s a perfectly good dance floor that we should take advantage of. After a few moments of protest we made our way through the crowd and I did my best not to touch anyone because it was really beginning to feel like a sauna.

 

Danny, Kirsch and I made our way into the middle of the crowd and joined in with all the other half drunken teenagers dancing to a remix of OMG by Usher. Time blended with each song change and I only left the dance floor a couple times to refill my drink. I finally quit drinking after about my 5th beer knowing I’d head home within the next couple hours. A girl with long blonde hair and petite figure had casually moved her way closer to me. We danced in a close vicinity but never touched until I felt her hands slip over my waist. It felt wrong, which was weird. I had never been one to turn down a lady’s company but as soon as I felt her hands wrap around my figure I excused myself to get a drink, knowing full well I wasn’t going to get one.

 

I abandoned the dance floor and stepped out back. I had honestly forgotten about Carmilla and her snarky attitude until I saw her across the lawn playing beer pong. The crowd had thinned out but not by much. I walked a little closer to watch. She was eyeing the last three cups in front of her to her opponents 5. Carmilla launched her pong ball and it landed perfectly in the back right cup. Her partner, the same brown haired girl from earlier (that I had a feeling was bad news) seemed to barely keep her hands to herself. She cheered for Carmilla and took the ball for her shot. Carmilla was barely giving her the attention that the brunette was begging for. She looked bored. Even more so when her partner missed and apologized in a high pitched whine. Carmilla’s eyes rolled away from the girl and skimmed the crowd landing on me. Something changed in them but I wasn’t quite sure what it was. The other team landed the ball in and Carmilla picked it up, downing the drink. How much she had drank I hadn’t the slightest idea. However much it was it didn’t seem to affect her aim as she shot and made another cup. One left. Carmilla’s face hardened when the attention had shifted back to her and the crowd egged on the game.

 

I went over to the fire pit and sat down, not wanting to go back in and see the blonde. Laf found their way out and sat down next to me. The fire crackled and was still pretty well lit considering I hadn’t seen anyone maintain it all night. I could hear the crowd chattering behind me watching Carmilla’s game of beer pong.

 

“You getting ready to head out, Frosh?” They asked taking a sip from their water bottle.

 

I shrugged, “Yeah. I don’t want my dad to worry, well not more than he already does at least,”

 

I heard a loud crash and shouting that got my attention. When I turned I saw the pong table flipped and a seething Carmilla. Her attention was on a teammate of hers that was holding an empty cup of beer or water and laughing.

 

“Here we go,” Laf spoke up next to me, “seemed like tonight had been too quiet for Karnstein,”

 

“What the hell you lackwit?!” The boy chuckled again before throwing the cup in the grass.

 

“Chill K, I’m just trying to cool you off. Cause you’re hot and all,” he snickered. He was clearly drunk but the more I watched Carmilla’s demeanor the more I realized she was too. The atmosphere was weird. It had shifted. This wasn’t playful or even flirty, it felt like a power play. And then it clicked, Carmilla rules the school, the team, she’s in charge and has everyone practically bowing. And he’s making a play to challenge her.

 

Even though she was pissed and slightly swaying, Carmilla still held her head high and I winced imagining how she was going to squash this boy.

 

“Apologize and get out of my sight and maybe I’ll let that slide,” she bit out lowly, crossing her arms over her chest and squaring back her shoulders.

 

He eyed her for a moment then the crowd that was watching and smiled,

 

“What are you embarrassed?”

 

Carmilla scoffed already looking bored with dealing with him,

 

“I’m never embarrassed. The only thing here that’s embarrassing is how you played tonight,” the crowd hooped at that and Carmilla kept going a small smile playing on her lips.

 

“Embarrassing is the fact that your girlfriend preferred when I fucked her instead of you,” the boy child turned a bright shade of red. Carmilla walked closer to him. Which didn’t seem like the best idea considering he looked ready to explode. Or hit something. The smile was still firmly placed almost like she was enjoying herself. Carmilla cocked her head to the side and tsk-ed,

 

“Embarrassing is you ugly crying in your room at night after eating a box of fried chicken because you know that you’ll never be anything close to me. That you’re going to die in this town and end up like your father. You’ll be just like him,” she paused looking around making sure she had everyone's full attention, and she did, “inadequate at best and downright laughable at worst”.

 

The boy exploded throwing a right hook, and I could have sworn I heard Carmilla sigh. She dropped low, the punch going over her head before she punched him straight in his balls. The player dropped to the ground in pain as the crowd just exploded.

 

“You’re off my fucking team,” she yelled. Then she took a drink out of someone’s hands and dumped it over the boys head.

 

She turned walking away from him, her hips swinging and her eyes wild. She locked eyes with me for a second before winking and walking into the house. I turned looking at Laf with wide eyes.

“That’s Karnstein for you.”


	3. A 2000's movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura's past is coming back to life. Papa Hollis may be in over his head. Carmilla is ... well Carmilla. And Danny is beginning to get a little too pissy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS!! It's here! I know its been over a week but I ended up scrapping half of it and starting over so it was a little bit of a process! But nevertheless its here! 
> 
> You'll be happy to know I already have chapter 4 half written so expect that in the next few days!
> 
> As always if you like video games or watching people play video games check out my youtube channel jennerational! We're still getting it off the ground but lots of cool stuf planned! 
> 
> LOVE YOU CREAMPUFFS! and remember the more feedback I get the fast I write!

Silas’s beauty surprised me again. An early morning run with the sun rising slowly casted a glow that almost seemed magical. But it wasn’t magical, it was just Silas. I ran from my house to the cafe. I was barely sweating by the time I walked up to the door. I ordered an iced honey coffee and sat down. 

 

I thought back to Carmilla last night. After she left everyone was pretty relaxed, except for me. Clearly they were used to that type of behavior from her. Much to my suprise, Laf relayed just a couple of instances that have happened with a drunk Carmilla. Things that included, fire, drunk football and jumping off of a roof into a pool. The stories were many, too many for Laf to go through in just one sitting but they reassured me if I kept coming I would soon understand and not be surprised. 

 

I was still waiting for my drink and I stood, wandering upstairs.  _ I’m just looking for a book. That’s all. Definitely not someone reading a book.  _ I stepped off the last stair ready to head to the rows and rows of shelves. I pretended like I wasn’t a little disappointed when I didn’t see Carmilla.  _ She’s entertaining, that’s all. It’s fun to argue with her. _ I tried to convince myself, repeating it a couple times. It became less believable everytime. I walked downstairs and took my drink off the counter, thanking the girl behind the counter. 

 

I walked out the door and my drink went everywhere. 

 

“You’ve  _ got  _ to be kidding me,”  _ Mother fuc- _

 

“Are you entirely incapable of walking around without causing some type of accident?” Carmilla’s head was dipped as she tried to brush the liquid off of her letterman jacket. There were two boys behind her that watched the situation unfold. Their eyes were darting back and forth but mostly on Carmilla.  _ Why?  _ And then I understood. They were waiting to see how she would react. When Carmilla finally looked at me, I saw her eyes shift. First they were soft but when one of the guys spoke up, she transformed. 

 

“What are you just standing there for Karnstein? She just spilled coffee all over you,” The taller of the two said simply. I stood in shock my eyes locked on Carmilla and prepared for her reaction. I did see her punch someone for embarrassing her yesterday night. Her cheeks were a light pink, suggesting she was in fact embarrassed but I doubt the two morons behind her were paying as close of attention as I had been.  _ Stop paying that close of attention. _

 

I think she must have seen the slight fear in my eyes when she looked at me because something changed. 

 

“I’ll get you back later, Hollis. Better watch your back frosh,” she sneered, but there was hardly any truth to it. She slammed into my shoulder while she walked past me and the two boys followed suit. They looked somewhere between confused and disappointed. I got the feeling that normally Carmilla teaches whoever messes with her a lesson. Yet she didn’t do anything to me…

 

After going in and buying another coffee, I carefully exited the building and walked the rest of the way home. I didn’t really plan to do anything other than homework until Danny texted me in a groupchat with Laf, Perry and Kirsch.

 

**Danny Lawrence 8:45am : Wanna grab food at the diner?**

 

Only a couple seconds went by before my phone started buzzing.

 

**Lafontaine 8:45am : Always.**

 

**Kirsch 8:45am : Just say when.**

 

**Perry 8:45am: That sounds lovely, Danny!**

 

**Me 8:46am: I’m already in town so I’m in!**

 

We settled for meeting in 10 minutes so I turned around and walked back toward the diner. I was excited to hang out with the group. They were really nice and welcoming. I really appreciated them just accepting me in as one of their own because it was honestly a little nerve racking to move without knowing anyone. And between letting me join them for lunch, and helping me catch up with school work I knew these were my kind of people. Nice people. 

 

I waited outside the diner for everyone else before going in on my own and I felt someone pinch my sides that made me laugh and jump away. Danny and Kirsch were smiling and borderline laughing at my startled state. We conversed lightly and went in once Laf and Perry turned up. 

 

We sat down in the booth and talked about the plans we had for the weekend and when I caught a glimpse of dark hair out the window, my attention deviated. I wasn’t the only one who turned and looked. Carmilla was walking by herself this time, and wasn’t paying much attention to anyone with her headphones in and fingers tapping against her leg while she walked. She seemed like a different person. Almost like a shapeshifter. As if I were to stare at her long enough I could watch her shift between all the different versions I’ve seen.

 

“I’m assuming everyone heard about Carmilla’s fight last night?” Laf said, bringing our attention back to the table. 

 

Danny scoffed, “Who didn’t? It’s all over the place as usual,”

 

“That’s how she likes it though, center of attention like always,” Perry chimed in, to my suprise. They all nodded and murmured in agreement of Perry's statement, even Kirsch. I was starting to doubt that though. Carmilla always seemed much more relaxed when she wasn’t the center of attention. And she never really asked for it either. She just lives her life and people bring her into the attention. Last night she didn’t start the fight, or even draw attention to herself when she got there, that was all the DJ. And in class, she was quiet but Mr. Benson was the one that pointed her out. Part of me had a growing theory there was more to Carmilla than anyone else knew. A shapeshifter for sure. One that shifted to be the best defense against people invading her life.

 

“Are you excited for your first meet?” Danny asked snapping me away from my thoughts.

 

“Yeah, I’m totally ready,” I answered but it was half hearted. I was confident in my abilities and my times but competition never failed to make me nervous. Sometimes I make myself sick if I think about it too much. The sheer uncertainty of it. The possibility of failure and losing. I had done a lot of thinking into why I think like this. And the truth of it was that I always worried about something. Usually things that had too many variables to control. Like mom. I think her death made it worse. Everything became an opportunity for perfection. Because when something is perfect there isn’t a need to worry. If I got the best grades, dad wouldn’t have to worry about a tutor. If I was the best runner, he wouldn’t have to worry about college. If I followed all the rules, he wouldn’t have to worry about me getting hurt. If we ate healthy, we wouldn’t have to worry about getting sick. We had a whole world that revolved like this. Do  _ this  _ and  _ that  _ won’t happen. Competition brought out some of the worst fears. 

 

“I just wish we could have some home matches,” Danny scowled, “like football brings in all this money and they can’t just take some to make our track up to regulation,” Kirsch shifted uncomfortably taking a sip of his water. It must be hard for him to play football and date a track player that hates the football team. Though, Danny never really had explained why… only one way to find out.

 

“Danny why do you hate the football team?” Laf and Perry looked amused at the question, whereas I’m pretty sure Kirsch almost rolled his eyes in a ‘we’re going over this again’ kinda way. 

 

Danny’s face morphed into something between distaste and enjoyment. Part of her liked dissing them. 

 

“It isn’t the team, it’s someone on the team,” Laf said, egging on the discussion.

 

Kirsch shook his head, “Can we not? She’s my captain. I told you guys like a million times I don’t like when we talk about her,” He was really serious about it, which was the first time I’ve ever seen Kirsch serious about anything. Danny brushed it off,

 

“Why wouldn’t you hate them,” she said as a statement. I knew that wasn’t what she was originally going to say but I understood why she didn’t say anything more.

 

The waiter walked away with our orders, and I finished explaining what my dad’s new job was. No one asked me about my mom, either they had heard somehow or they were just respecting the information I offered instead of pressing for more. 

 

“That’s so cool!” Kirsch exclaimed, “I was adopted when I was really young. My social worker that I had was really amazing and did her best to find me the best family. And they really are! My dad runs the auto shop just out of town and my mom is a teacher at the elementary school,” It made me smile how excited Kirsch was as he talked about his family. 

 

“My parents own the bakery at the end of the street, I work there too. I’ll be taking it over after I come back from college,” That didn’t surprise me. Perry seemed like the baking loving type. 

 

“My dad is away a lot for work and my mom is in the Army Reserves. She only has to be on base a weekend a month but she offers more time in and also is an EMT a couple towns over for their hospital,” Danny’s parents made sense, the way she was so athletic and a total worrywart. I saw her freak out over me walking across the road without looking the other day. Which would normally be totally normal but Silas Highschool has almost zero traffic and when there is, it’s going 5 mph.

 

Laf spoke up more hesitantly than the rest, “My parents are professors at the University. My dad teaches Biology and Chemistry. My mom teaches English 101 and 102,” Laf’s insane gpa was making more and more sense. But they still seemed reluctant to admit their parents careers. 

 

I saw Perry’s hand move almost ninja like around their back but Perry shifted enough that it was hidden from me. Something definitely wasn’t right with Laf’s family but they were my new friend and I know how much it sucks to have someone press you on something you don’t want to talk about. 

 

I was halfway through my chicken salad, mostly listening to the conversations the group brought up and chiming in every once and again. Perry looked over at me and smiled,

 

“So I’m having everyone over for a movie night on Thursday night and I was wondering if you’d like to join us, Laura?” 

 

I nodded, “I’d love to Perry! Thank you so much, all of you guys. You’ve been so welcoming,”

 

“You’re good people frosh,” Laf said with a mouthful of mac and cheese. Kirsch nodded in agreement halfway through his cheesesteak. Danny wasn’t paying attention at all and Perry eyed Laf with amusement, 

 

“They think they have a sixth sense,” I acted shocked,

 

“You mean they don’t?” Laf looked between the both of us. 

“It’s a super power, you peasants wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be me,” Perry and I let out a laugh as Laf scoffed and muttered, “No respect,”

 

__

 

Monday morning was not so sweet. Despite the last two days of relaxing, I felt unbelievably tired. I practically drug myself onto the bus and through the halls to Biology. When I walked in I saw Laf looking between two pieces of paper, one in each hand. 

 

“What are you looking at inspector gadget?” I joked, dropping into my seat before peering over. I saw that it was the test we had taken the Friday before. My face scrunched when I saw my name on top of one of the papers in their hand.

 

“Hey!” I reached over trying to snatch it out of their hands, huffing when they just pulled further away shooing me off. 

 

“Give me that,” I attempted and missed again.

 

“This doesn’t make sense,” My heart dropped, had I failed after all my studying? “No one does better than me in bio. Ever.” 

 

“Wait! What?” Laf dropped my paper on my desk. 101 including my extra credit point. I looked over to Lafontaine’s paper to see a 100. They were in utter disbelief. Sure enough my paper was a 101. “This is ridiculous,” they grumbled quietly. 

 

I walked the opposite way down the hall after first block. I could see a group of football players at the end of the hall. I rolled my eyes and headed into my English class. Carmilla wasn’t there yet which seemed odd. I sat down pulling out my homework from over the weekend and the bell rang. Mr. Benson stood up and started collecting our homework. The door opened and Carmilla walked in calmly. Mr. Benson didn’t even bother saying anything as she dropped her homework on his desk and made her way to her seat. I eyed her as she walked up the aisle. Black ripped jeans and a black tank top with a red flannel wrapped around her waist. 

 

“You’re late,” I said as she walked past. 

 

“Yeah and you’re annoying,” she shot back. I smiled a little. Her tone was light again. She was back to her normal teasing, despite the fact I spilled coffee all over her two days ago. I tore at the edge of my notebook and wrote something down and drew a little picture. I barely had to turn to place the small, folded piece of paper on her desk. I heard her move behind me and the small opening of the paper. I glanced behind me and saw a small smile and she shook her head, turning her attention back to the board. 

 

I walked out of class heading toward lunch. When I walked out I ignored the small group waiting for Carmilla. 2 of them were with her Saturday and narrowed their eyes at me. I shifted the textbook and notebook that I was holding in my hands as I walked away from them. I heard low talking behind me as they made their way toward the cafeteria. I stopped at my locker trying to open it and when I did, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I turned, and Carmilla was looking at me. She talked quietly, eyes shooting over my shoulder, 

 

“I’m going to knock your books out of your hand,” I just looked at her, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

 

“Why? And why would you tell me instead of just doing it?” I questioned carefully. 

 

She shrugged, “I told you I’d get payback so I kind of have to, even though you apologized which was nice and appreciated,”

 

I looked toward the guys who were watching intently and then it clicked. 

 

“You have to because they saw me do it?” She nodded slightly,

 

‘Why does it matter if you don’t do anything in retaliation?” I pressed. 

 

“That’s not really how it works cupcake. I’m there captain or whatever, so I’m supposed to keep them happy even if they are a bunch of airheads,” She said. Her eyes looked sincere, and I could tell she really didn’t want to. I shifted my books so I was holding them with both hands making it easy for her to knock them over. 

 

“Didn’t know we were in a 2000’s movie,” I said playfully looking at her. She rolled her eyes,

 

“Thanks for this,” I smiled, but only slightly not wanting the boys to see. 

 

“Yeah yeah yeah, go on. I’m starting to think you’re soft,” Instead of joking she stayed serious and smiled a little,

 

“Seriously, thanks,” She said. She brought her hands down hard, knocking them to the ground in a dramatic motion. I bunched my face up acting surprised and angry. 

 

“Really Carmilla?” I accused loudly to help sell it. She shrugged walking backwards,

 

“Maybe you shouldn’t mess with me, Cupcake,” I watched her walk away and accept a high five from one of the guys. She looked over her shoulder and smiled. I rolled my eyes and grabbed my two books putting them back in my locker for safety. 

 

_ But I like messing with you. _

  
  


___

I took a huge drink of my water and was listening to Danny talk about strategies and practices for the rest of the week. She was totally going crazy over our first meet, which was a good thing cause it meant she cared. 

 

“Karnstein! Get you head out of your ass! That’s the your third miss, there better not be another!” That caught my attention. It wasn’t rare over the past week to hear the coach yelling at Carmilla but normally it’s directional, she never really does anything wrong from what I can tell. Her missing though is a new one. 

 

I watched her take her position to run the play again, completely tuning Danny’s ranting out. The ball was hiked straight into Carmilla’s hands. The offense and defense were clashing, and I could see Carmilla’s head swiveling. From what I could tell, there weren’t any open hands. A defensive player broke through to Carmilla’s left and she started running. She ran it around the right side toward us, and made it about 15 feet before being tackled roughly. The coach stormed over as she stood up brushing herself off. 

 

“That wasn’t the play Karnstein,” he said in a loud tone. Carmilla dipped her head a little, not making eye contact and replied with a simple but clear,

 

“Yes coach,” His body tensed and he held his clipboard to the side. 

 

“Can you make this play work Karnstein? Or is it too difficult? Should I have pulled a play from the middle school play book?” Carmilla looked up at him. Her hair was tucked in a bun with a few fly aways blowing in the light wind. Her skin seemed to be glowing, from her tan and the sweat. It looked like she was flushed but the way her shoulders were slouched, it looked like she was uncomfortable. She looked around quickly at everyone paying attention and I could tell the red on her cheeks wasn’t just from the heat. 

 

“I can make it work coach, I just need a little bigger of a window. The wide receiver cut in too early,” He thought for a moment, before muttering a fine. 

 

“Run it again!” He yelled walking away from Carmilla. Her eyes shifted to me for only a moment before she turned back.  

 

They ran the play again, and it still looked entirely too tight for Carmilla to get anything through. I watched the wide receiver cut in a little bit later than he had before and I saw it. A split second of an opening, and the ball was in his hands as he ran toward the end zone. The coach finally seemed somewhat not miserable,

“Again!” he barked, and I looked over at Danny who had just snapped near my ear.

 

“What?” I questioned and she looked at me,

 

“Did you hear anything I just said?”

 

“Yeah you want me to run middle distance for the meet instead of long. I’m fine with whatever benefits the team,”    
  


Danny’s face twisted for a moment as she glanced toward the field,

 

“The team would benefit you not getting distracted by Karnstein,” I frowned. Before I could even open my mouth she said practice was done. I was kind of disappointed, but I shook it off when I realized the only reason I wanted to stay was to watch Carmilla. 

 

I walked into the locker room grabbing my backpack and decided to walk home. It was pretty busy in town, busier than I had seen it so far. There were lots of people on the sidewalks and walking in and out of shops. The people walking in a steady stream next to me made it almost too easy. All I would have to do is move my hand a couple inches. But I didn’t have a need to, so I stilled my shaking hands and walked a little faster. 

 

My dad’s car sat in the driveway which partially surprised me. I entered the house somewhat quiet hoping to surprise him. He was sitting in the office, back to me and on the phone. He didn’t move so he hadn’t heard me come in. One of the double office doors was open and I couldn’t help but overhear. 

 

“We aren’t behind on anything, Addy. We just moved for Christ’s sake,” he paused. “Okay well maybe not the best of shape but it’s manageable and doable,” he paused again, “Yes, yes I will. Okay bye,” 

 

I closed the door and he turned,

 

“Hey dad,” I smiled, pretending like I hadn’t been listening. He smiled back at me, I glanced beyond him where some papers were scattered. I didn’t have to think more than a second to know they were bills. 

 

“Hey Cub Scout,” I winced, “I started dinner, wanna come help?” He asked.

 

“Yeah sure,” I walked to the kitchen dropping my bags to the side. I saw a half cut cucumber and a knife. He must have been starting when Adeline had called. I didn’t comment on it, just picked up the knife and began to cut the rest as he walked in from behind me.

 

“Adeline called, wanted to see when we were coming to visit,” Adeline had been a family friend, my mom’s oldest friend. 

 

“Did she give you all the town gossip too?,” I said.

 

“You know it. They said that the theft has gone down quite bit, oh and that Ms. Reece resigned from the middle school,” He went to the fridge to get chicken, and lettuce.  I ignored the turning in my stomach and tried to calm my mind. 

 

“She’s doing well?” I asked looking at him from over my shoulder.

 

“Yeah as well as she can. She definitely misses us as the neighbors,” There it was. The smallest inferred inclination of what he had said.  _ Us. Mom. _

 

“She wanted to make sure we were making out okay,” He looked older today, more stressed than normal. One of the tell tale signs when I knew things were not going our way.

 

“And we are? Okay, I mean?” I asked. His eyes shifted over me and he moved to get a knife.

 

“Of course Laura, Why wouldn’t we be?”  _ Laura.  _ I knew. How could I not. This is the same way he had started acting 3 months into mom’s treatment. Old and stressed. He barely ever called me Laura. I wasn’t sure how bad it was though which was definitely something I needed to figure out if I was going to help.

  
  



	4. Never seen anything worth seeing til her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A different perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A well deserved and patiently waited for gift. I know it took longer than expected but I worked extra hard to make this one extra good and achey so enjoy creampuffs!
> 
> If you like gaming videos on youtube feel free to check out my youtube channel: jennerational

I sat in silence eating my food carefully. Everyone else did the same. William sat across from me picking at his plate and looking somewhere far off. I nudged him with my foot under the table knowing if he didn’t start eating Mother would soon notice, if she hadn’t already. My mother sat to my right, her hair pinned back into a meticulous low bun. Her jaw was sharp and set.  _ Like mine. _ Her nose was pointed and her eyes were drifting between us and her food. Our eyes locked and I didn’t breathe. A hearty cough came from Will that drew not only my attention. 

 

“Are you alright, dear?” Each word was accented and annunciated clearly.  _ It was like a robot _ . Will took a sip of his water, his face a little red.

 

“Yes, fine. Thank you, Mother,” he said calmly. He matched her tone, every letter pronounced. She turned toward me satisfied with his response. 

 

“How has practice been, Mircalla? Are you going to start again?” I cleared my throat, placing my fork down like I had been taught. I dabbed a napkin at my lips and spoke clearly.

 

“Yes Mother. It has been difficult, but very beneficial,” I said watching her mind fully. The twitch in the corner of her mouth before she nodded didn’t go unnoticed. 

 

“And when are your practices this week?” I had to think for a moment, but a moment was too long. 

 

“Do you not know when your practices are, Mircal-”

 

“I do know,” I said a little too quickly. I had her complete attention and out of the corner of my eye, I could see Will frozen. 

 

“I will not be spoken over, Mircalla.” she said coldly, and a slight shiver ran down my spine.

“Do you know when your practices are or were you simply not answering me?”

 

I took a breath.  _ Calm down just answer quickly and clearly.  _

 

“My apologies Mother. I was thinking. I practice Monday through Friday from 1 pm to 5 pm. And Will and I are going to the field Tuesday and Thursday morning to practice my longer throws,”

 

I dared a quick look to Will who had his head ducked. 

 

“I see,” she paused for a moment her eyes watching me. I moved my hands below the table into my lap so she wouldn’t see them shaking. 

 

“Very well then, And do you feel ready for the start of the school year in a couple of weeks? Along with the season starting?”  _ Quickly and clearly. _

 

“Yes Mother. I am fully prepared,” 

 

“Fully prepared?” She questioned with a raised eyebrow. It was a knowing look as if to make me think.

 

“I-Yes,” after a second of thinking I remembered. “Actually Mother, I need new cleats,” I said slowly. The air got a little thicker. I swallowed the lump in my throat at her questioning glare. 

“I’ve just been practicing so much,” I felt like I was burning under her gaze, “-so much, uh, the side, it-it tore the other day at practice,” I finished cursing myself for stuttering.  _ That was not quick and clear.  _ I lowered my head a little, my eyes cautious. 

  
“I really do wish you would be a little more thoughtful with the nice things I buy you, Mircalla,” She gestured to Will, “Look at William. He takes care of his things. I don’t think I remember the last time I had to buy him something because it was ruined,”  _ Well Will doesn’t play or practice as nearly as much as me so,  _ I barely kept my lips from allowing my snark to escape. 

 

“You’re right, Mother. I’m sorry,” I bit out. 

 

“For what, dear?” It could have been taken as sincere, as if she were telling me I had nothing to be sorry for. But I knew that’s not what it was for. She wanted to hear me say it. Admit defeat, that she was right. 

 

I clenched my jaw, “I’m sorry that I didn’t take better care of your gift to me, Mother. It was entirely my fault and I ask your forgiveness,” I said so sweetly, it was unmistakable that it wasn’t sincere and had enough sarcasm to subtly tell her to fuck off. I knew it wasn’t the best option, especially after watching her eyes narrow at me as I shrunk into my seat like a child. I could have sworn I saw Will flinch from the corner of my eye but I didn’t dare look. 

 

“I don’t appreciate the attitude, Mircalla. It was rude and unnecessary. Especially when you need me to purchase something for you,” she stood, “If you wish to continue that attitude perhaps I should make a call to Coach Evers and inform him you won’t be continuing the season,” The threat was clear. I push her, she pushes back. The only problem with that is she always pushes first. 

 

“I’m sorry, Mother,” I said, making it sound as genuine as I possibly could without betraying myself. She nodded, accepting it.

 

“I accept your apology dear, I’ll stop by the store tomorrow after I’m done at the firm. I’ll be in my office if you children need me. I trust you can clean up dinner, Mircalla?” 

 

I nodded and she walked away, heels clicking on the dark stained wood as she went. Will and I both let out a shaky breath. He shook his head and laughed nervously. 

 

“I didn’t think you were going to keep your mouth shut,”

 

“Yeah well, you weren’t any help,” He picked his fork up and started eating again. I did the same. 

 

“Well I’m not getting beat because you decided to piss her off,”

 

I raised an eyebrow, “Bold of you to assume I don’t  _ always _ piss her off,”

 

__

I felt the hit before I saw it. I groaned as I hit the ground with a 250 lb man on top of me. Even with the pads all over my body, it still hurt like a bitch. 

 

“For fuck’s sake…” I muttered getting to my feet. We had been running the same play all practice and I had only successfully done it 5 times.

 

“Karnstein! What the hell was that!?” Coach yelled from the sideline, “Pull it together and find Kirsch’s hands! Run it again!”

 

I got in position again, and the ball was in my hands on the whistle. My head was moving; eyes searching through the chaos for Kirsch. I couldn’t find him. My head swiveled and I saw the left defender break through. I took a couple steps to my right and I saw him. For only a second but it’s all I needed before I launched the ball right into his hands. I let out a steady breath of relief that I finally made the play, until I hit the ground again.

 

“What the hell?” I snapped, as the defender, Johnson, stood up. 

 

“Oops, sorry Captain,” he said, unapologetic. The play had stopped and a couple other guys were watching on. Either too scared of me to join or were just as surprised as I was.

 

“You should watch it Johnson or I’m gonna mess up that face of yours you think is so pretty,” I said lowly, getting to my feet. He still towered over me with his 6’2 height to my 5’5. 

 

“As if you could, just cause what? You can play football with the big boys?” he sneered. Coach was watching from the sideline, ready to step in if necessary. 

 

“More like I could tell your girlfriend about your extracurricular activities down on the dock’s outside of town,” His face flushed a little,

 

“You wouldn’t,”

 

“Oh but I would Johnson because I can do whatever I want. And I will if you don’t back down. I’m your Captain. Female or not. So suck it up or get the fuck off my field,” I said acting bored. 

 

“Whatever,” he scowled walking toward the side to switch out with another team mate. That’s the closest thing I get to a win with most of them. 

 

The rest of the practice was brutal but I finally got the play right enough times coach was comfortable adding it to this year’s playbook. Once practice was officially done, everyone started to walk towards their cars. Even Coach got ready and left. I stayed sitting on the field, waiting. Will wandered over after his JV practice. He dropped his bag near the bench, coming onto the field as I stood up. He raised his chin a little, opening his hands and I threw a simple spiral. 

 

“How was practice?” he asked, throwing it back. I looked toward the sideline and we were alone. 

 

I scoffed, “I got sacked 50% of the time,”

 

“Ouch, you must really suck,” he teased and I threw the ball back hard. 

“Don’t get mad at me, Kitty. You’re the one that got yourself sacked.” he smiled.

 

I caught his throw, “It’s not my fault! Coach keeps making these plays with smaller and smaller windows. I can’t hit every single one of them,” Will’s face twitched for a moment getting serious.

 

“He’s making you better, Carmilla. You have to hit every single throw he wants you to because for you every throw matters. Just like every A for me matters. You know that,” he paused,

“We can’t afford to be average,”

 

My shoulders slumped a little.  _ Of course I know that.  _ It’s all I think about. I make myself nauseous going in circles in my head. This season has to go well. Will’s right. I can’t afford to miss. Every play I miss is one more throw away from perfection which is what I need to be to get myself out of here. It’s all I have. 

 

“I know,” I answered quietly.  I looked up at him seeing he looked just as tired as me. He smiled weakly and I understood. “We should get home. Mother doesn’t like when were late.” He nodded walking toward the bench, where our stuff sat. 

 

____

 

Will and I got out of my car and my eyes focused across the parking lot where some of my teammates were walking over to my car. Will gave me an annoyed look and broke away from us as they got nearer, walking toward the building on his own. Will never really liked most of my teammates. More importantly how I acted around them. We got into arguments about it fairly often. He just doesn’t understand. I explained it’s like how actors act in movies. But he doesn’t understand.

 

“What’s up, K?” A taller, broad offensive lineman, Ben, greeted me. Followed closely by his twin, Jacob. The significantly doucher version of Ben. They both towered over me easily. Ben’s face was much more welcoming and warm, whereas his brother always unsettled me in a way I could never explain. But with one, comes the other...unfortunately because I did enjoy Ben’s company. Well as much as I could enjoy a teenage airhead’s company. Newt and Kirsch followed up behind them. Kirsch looking like he wasn’t even here mentally. Which wasn’t unusual, he had pretty bad ADD and looked lost in his own thoughts or was busy looking at something around us most of the time. 

 

I shrugged, “Nothing much, how ‘bout you Ben?” I shouldered my backpack as we walked toward the building. 

 

“Nothing really-”

 

“We’re back in hell if that’s what you mean,” Newt threw in as we crossed the road that circled the building. 

 

“This isn’t hell because we aren’t at practice,” I remarked.

 

“Maybe practice would suck less if Karnstein could actually complete the play,” Jacob scoffed.  _ I swear.  _

“Yeah and you would suck less if you played in traffic but I guess we both can’t get what we want,” I sneered and both Newt and Ben chuckled, Kirsch was still distant not paying attention to our normal banter. 

 

“… Kirsch?” I questioned trying to bring him back to the conversation. He looked over at his name, eyes a little confused before shaking his head. 

 

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, I’m good! Just thinking,” We walked through the building doors into crowded Freshmen and Sophomore hallway.

 

“Thinking? Sounds dangerous for you, Beefcake,” I teased. I half waved as the other boys wandered off somewhere. Probably to go pick on an unsuspecting freshmen. It had only been a week back at school, and they hadn't fully learned how to avoid the moron jock heads yet. 

 

“It’s just- Danny has been-” Someone slammed into me on the stairs and all I saw was blonde hair a couple inches shorter than me. I pushed past whoever she was turning my attention back to Kirsch after biting out some response to the wandering freshman. We got to the top floor and I followed Kirsch toward his locker down the hall. 

 

“She’s just been so negative lately. I don’t know what to do about it. She really hates that I’m on the team, and it didn’t help that Jacob and Johnson totally trashed their track banner last week,”

 

Danny Lawrence was my arch nemesis if I’ve ever had one. Well I guess I’m hers at least, I don’t really pay enough attention to her to hate her but from what Kirsch tells me, his girlfriend sure does hate me. She’s only talked to me a couple times, and everytime has been yelling at me to reign in my jarhead teammates since I’m the Captain. Like Will, she doesn’t understand that’s not how it works. In order to stay Captain, I have to have their respect and if the only way I can earn that respect is by letting them screw with the track team, I’m going to let it happen. My personal interest in it out ways her greatergood. 

 

“Kirsch you can just join in with her, it’s okay really. It’ll calm her down and keep you in her good graces. I don’t need you to defend me,” He closed his locker walking back toward the direction we came from. 

 

He shook his head, “Sorry angry hottie, no can do. You’re my Captain and I won’t just let her disrespect you. And you never do anything personally to her so she has no reasoning,” I smirked,

 

“I did put a frog in her backpack last year… that’s pretty personal,” I almost laughed at the memory. We had taken two buses to a school nearby, I had found a frog after the game and slipped it into her bag. The football bus was behind the track bus going home and we watched it pull over and Danny run off with her backpack shaking it out furiously while yelling ‘Karnstein is so dead’ multiple times. Nothing came of it because of course she couldn’t prove it was me, but it did give me easily one of my favorite high school memories. 

 

We walked back to my classroom as we talked lightly and I waved by to Kirsch walking in before someone slammed into me for a second time.  _ What the hell is it with people today?  _

 

“Okay  _ ow, _ do you not watch where you’re going?” I snarled, down to a blonde girl. When I really got a look at her face I did my best to hide my surprise at how absolutely beautiful this girl was. She seemed apologetic until her brows furrowed at me. I could hear a couple of the guys nearby in the hallway.  _ Comeon Karnstein be cool.  _

 

“Why don’t you take a picture and make your way back down stairs frosh,” I sneered moving passed her roughly. It was supposed to be threatening but I immediately missed it as I walked to the back desk that everyone knew was mine.

 

I sat down and watched her walk quickly up the row to me. I smirked see her eyes wander but only for a moment before determination filled them. She stood in front of my desk for a moment and it kind of looked like she was having a stroke. Her eyes flickering between me and my sleeveless arms. I rolled my eyes,

 

“You have something to say Cupcake? Because if not then,” I made a shooing motion with my hands. Her face burned and scrunched in complete annoyance. 

 

“You were incredibly rude,” she said, anger slipping into her voice. I leaned forward on my desk, tilting my head slightly as my eyes roamed for just a second, completely amused and inamoured. I couldn’t help but notice the light dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose spreading under her eyes making them appear lighter. 

 

“And?” My eyebrows rose daring for a response. She was entirely too tightly wound and very cute when she was angry. I couldn’t help myself.

 

“And you should apologize for being an ass,” her jaw was set firmly, and her eyes narrowed at me as I sat back.  _ Oh this was going to be fun. _

 

“No,” I said simply. Watching her carefully as she looked ready to explode. 

 

“What do you mean, no?” she bit out lowly. 

 

“I said no, now bye bye newbie,” I waved at her and I glanced seeing her hands balled into fists. She opened her mouth slightly looking like she was ready to unleash some unholy string of words that were definitely not school appropriate. When my eyes shifted passed her to Mr. Benson watching on. 

 

“I’m assuming you’re our new student?” She turned, looking at the front of the classroom toward Mr. B.  Other students had filed in filling the seats. She nodded absently.

 

“Well then welcome to Silas and AP English Ms. Hollis, please take your seat,” I watched her look around and then realize the only open seat was directly in front of me. She glared harshly  at me before dropping in her seat roughly. Mr. Benson started his lesson and talking about a reading assignment and I leaned over my desk close to her right ear.

 

“That scrunched up face you make when you’re angry is hilarious Cupcake,” I smirked as the nickname slipped out easily and her body went rigid for a second. 

 

She turned in her seat. Looking me in the eyes for a moment “Bite me.” 

 

“Maybe I will,” I muttered leaning back with a slight smile on my face. 

 

“Carmilla, Laura, unless you want to stay after school and miss extracurriculars I suggest you pay attention,” his voice carried from the front of the room. 

 

_ Laura. It’s a pretty name. For a beautiful girl. Laura Hollis. _

 

My eyes lingered a moment longer before looking past her to the grumpy looking man,

 

“Sorry Mr. Benson I was just welcoming  _ Laura _ and offering to show her around,” I smiled sweetly and I could see Laura’s eyes bulge out of the corner of my eye. She turned back to the front where Mr. Benson had softened. 

 

“That’s very kind of you Carmilla but it can wait until after class,” he’s attention went back to the whiteboard. I winked at Laura when she sent a daggered glare over her shoulder.

 

The period passed rather quickly and Laura sat quietly scribbling in her note book at everything Mr. Benson said. I rolled my eyes.  _ Of course she’s a goodie goodie.  _  I got bored and moving in my seat a lot. Mr. Benson ignored me; he was used to it, though Laura’s shoulders looked tense, like she was ready to snap. I couldn’t help bounce my leg and move, I hated just sitting in a classroom. The bell rang and Laura put her notebook in her bag and I stopped at her desk on my way out. 

 

“So I guess you aren’t a lost freshmen then?” I joked. Laura didn’t even look up while she zipped her bag.

 

“No,” she said intently.

 

“Well if you want I can  _ show  _ you around,”I drew the offer out. I wasn’t actually trying to make a move but making her flustered was easier than stealing Will’s chocolate. She stood, looking at me again,

 

“How about you leave?” She tugged her backpack on and moved toward the door. 

 

“Fine. Try not to run over anyone’s feet with your toddler wheels on your baby bike on your way to lunch,” I bit back walking away from her and down the hall. 

 

I smirked, not bothering to look back but feeling her eyes trail after me.  _ Oh cupcake, you’re gonna make me do something stupid. _

 

____

 

Every play so far had gone perfectly, at least on my end. I hadn’t gotten sacked yet and I didn’t want to for the rest of practice. We had perfected the play we learned only a couple days ago, we called it ‘handler’. We had been progressively working to make the play as tight as we could and it had actually been going really well. Me and Kirsch had been putting in extra practice with each other and it was really showing. That is until coach pulled Kirsch for the last couple plays. And wanted me to be throwing longer throws. The long throws were probably my weakest spot just because I really didn’t have the same distance as some of the guys. And since he sent Kirsch off I was having difficulty finding our other wide receiver, Mason. I got down in my stance calling hike and the ball came into my hands like it always does. Mason wasn’t getting the distance he needed for a long throw and I could spot a defender just beyond him. I threw a quick spiral just above the chaos and into his hands. I heard the whistle blow and I knew exactly what he was going to say. 

 

“Karnstein what did I say?! I want you working long throws! What the hell was that tight opening bullshit?!” I heard coach scream from the sideline, I jogged over pulling off my helmet when I got close. 

  
“I know you can hit those tight throws, we locked them down but I need you to be able to throw long too. Short runs can’t be all we can do, even if we do them better than anyone else, you got me?” He said. His hair had started to lighten in his old age and he was a bulky man. I saw red move in my periphery and my eyes followed it. Danny Lawrence. But then my eyes focused on the honey blonde next to her. I smirked at Laura, who looked shocked to see me on the field and was attempting to hide the blush creeping up her neck. My attention jolted back to coach as he smacked my shoulder with his clipboard,

 

“Are you listening to me, Karnstein?” he demanded, eyes following where I was looking and he scoffed. “For christ’s sakes Karnstein, it’s just a girl! Get your head out of your ass and make the throw! Again.” He shoved me lightly, directing me back to the play. I finished the play, multiple times, making every correction coach asked of me. 

 

I was pretty impressed with myself being able to successfully make every play considering Laura was running circles around us. It easily became distracting. I smirked at her when she finished her last lap and even more so when she looked over her shoulder at me.  _ What a dork.  _ Danny Lawrence jogged up to her and they exchanged some words before Danny opened her arms and a frown plastered across my face. Laura looked at me again and her eyebrows furrowed just a little and I turned away heading back onto the field to run a couple more plays. 

 

I walked toward the school with my football bag in my right hand, and upstairs to the locker room. The door flew out toward me and I only got my hand up a little to help brace the impact. I saw familiar honey hair and groaned.

“Seriously Cupcake, can you quit running into me?” The air grew a little colder, my voice was sharper than I meant for it to be. 

Laura rolled her eyes, “as if I do it on purpose,” Her response was simple, but it sounded a little dejected and my eyes softened feeling a little sorry for the way I reacted.

“I could see why you would want to, I’ve been told I have a nice body.” my eyebrows wiggled suggestively, “tryna feel me up Hollis?” I joked, my lips threatening to smile. I set my jaw to prevent that from happening. 

Laura seemed to have a whole thought process go throw her head in just a couple seconds. She was here but her eyes were a little distant. Her lips were slightly parted and she looked beautiful. 

“Don’t flatter yourself,” she scoffed, “I have standards,” she moved past me out into the hall.

“Ouch Creampuff,” Laura dared a glance back and she looked over my arms that were folded across my chest and watching her with passionate eyes. I’d be lying if I said that what she said hadn’t hurt a little. But I brushed it off not really understanding why it hurt the way it did. Laura’s face deepened more red than it already was as her eyes flickered over my body. She stared a moment longer then turned to leave, walking out the side door saying nothing. It was clear she wasn’t interested. She probably finds me attractive but being attracted to someone and actually liking them is two completely different things. I’m not very likeable anyway. Plus I can’t afford to get distracted. Especially by some naive provincial girl.

 

___

Will and I pulled into the driveway getting out of my car. Mother’s car was sitting in the driveway it shifted both of our moods. Just a couple minutes ago we were laughing and singing along to our secret car playlist with easily our favorite songs, and now all we wanted was to leave again. I saw Will hesitate, walking slowly looking at the house and I sighed walking in front of him. I opened the door slowly and swallowed. 

 

“Mother, Will and I are home,” I announced. Mother didn’t like being startled by our sudden appearance and preferred fair warning of our arrival. When we received no response we both walked up the stairs quietly. Our bedrooms were at the top of the stairs across from each other with a bathroom next to Will’s room. We also had a “study” room upstairs. Will and I had converted it into a study/ gaming room. Our desks were in there but so was a small love seat, PS4 and small flat screen TV that Will had received for his birthday one year. The PS4 was technically mine. Mother had bought it as an apology after a large disagreement we had had a couple years ago.

 

I opened the door to my room taking a moment to look at the mess. I was never a very clean person. I tried to be just incase Mother decided randomly to venture upstairs but after 17 years of her barely coming up to our rooms, I didn’t think it was necessary anymore. The walls were a deep navy blue, it was the closest to black I could get. I had books everywhere, stacks on stacks. Along the walls, on my dresser, a more recent stack near my bed. I was going to pull out my homework and start it. Normally, I would get a shower but since I got one at the school I could just start my homework until it was dinner time.

 

“Mircalla,” my body tensed hearing my name from downstairs. I looked behind me to see Will looking at me warily. I muttered a ‘it’s fine Will’ and dropped my bag, walking downstairs. I hung a left at the bottom of the stairs into the white walled kitchen. My mother was sitting at our kitchen table, same bun and narrow eyes. 

 

“Yes Mother?” I asked clearly. 

 

“Do you have anything you’d like to tell me about?” I racked my brain frantically.  _ What had I done wrong? Think. Think!  _ Nothing, I hadn’t done anything that I could think of. 

 

“Mother?” I shifted my body nervously, arms folding across one another. 

 

She sighed, “Honestly, I don’t know why you bother thinking you could hide anything from me. I’m your mother. You think you’re so sneaky don’t you?” She stood from where she was sitting and I forced myself not to move. 

 

“Mother, I don’t kno-” Her face shifted.

 

“Don’t lie to me Mircalla. You skipped class last week. The first week. The easiest week there will be and you skipped,” She snarled. 

 

“I-I, It’s a misunderstanding Mother. I just left a little early to get warmed up before practice, I’m-” She held up her hand and my mouth clamped shut. 

 

“Don’t apologize. I know you don’t mean it,” My eyes stayed trained on her hands. Just because it only happened once or twice doesn’t mean Will or I forgot that it happened. Or forget that it could happen again if we aren’t careful.

 

“I do mea-” I tried.

 

“Mircalla. I will not be mocked. This is completely unacceptable behavior. Are you trying to embarrass this family? Our image?” She asked, eyeing me, hands on her hips. 

I didn’t open my mouth knowing she didn’t actually want an answer from me. 

 

“I work hard for our family to be respected by this less than charming little community, and you think it’s okay to tarnish that? You haven’t been a very good girl lately,” I nodded absently, knowing I was screwed. “Get out of my sight, you’ve gone and gotten me all upset,” 

 

I turned on my heel walking out of the kitchen. 

 

“If you would just listen and follow the rules,” I heard her mutter as I walked up the stairs going to grab my backpack. Will stood at the top of the stairs, where we always listen for each other. We knew that when we upset Mother we need to give her space to calm down. But only the one goes, unless we both did something. As I grabbed my bag from my room, I heard Will make his way into the study room. I glanced over my shoulder when I went to the top of the steps, he gave a me a weak smile and put up a peace sign. I smiled back, giving him a peace sign too. It had been a corny joke we started as kids whenever one of us was going somewhere without the other. It was our form of a ‘see you later. Love you’

 

I kind of liked when I got to leave the house. I couldn’t take my car. That was a rule. If your in trouble car is a big no since Mother pays for it and gas. I didn’t really mind the walk though it was kind of nice. I liked being by myself more than I liked being around people. There were no expectations, no act I had to fulfill. I could just breathe. Being what everyone wanted or expected me to be was exhausting. Sometimes I didn’t want to be anyone at all. 

 

I stepped into the cafe, ordering an iced honey coffee. I waited patiently and paid for it, I walked up stairs to my normal spot, settling into my favorite bean bag chair well hidden in the rows of bookshelves. I pulled out one of my books and picked up where I left off. I let myself get lost. Forgetting everything around me. Mother, football, all of it. There was only one thought that wouldn’t go away. No matter how hard I focused on my book, it just kept appearing in my mind. Those honey eyes just wouldn’t disappear. The simple thought led to another. The light brown dusting of embers across her tan skin; over the bridge of her nose. Like nothing I had ever seen.  _ Makes me wonder if I ever really saw anything worth seeing before my eyes landed on her.  _


	5. A Hundred Obstacles to get to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla finally steps up and out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings my little cream puffs! Indeed this fic is not abandoned just slowly worked on! You can give a huge shout out to a 'Zero' (that was their username) that gave me the little kick in the butt I needed to finish the chapter and get it out to you guys! I'm gonna try to update more regularly but you all know how that goes lol ENJOY CREAMPUFFS!
> 
> And as always I apologize for any errors sometimes we miss some! 
> 
> And finally I have a youtube channel under the name jennerational! if any of you guys like gaming channels or general life channels give it a follow! I'm posting a new video of my roadtrip next week!!

First game of the season was always huge. Well, actually, every game was huge. In my personal opinion, I think it was totally over hyped. We were good so the winnings that occurred were hardly surprising anymore. Just because it wasn’t surprising didn’t mean that we didn’t work hard for it. Games were always hard fought and sorely won. The first game set an expectation for the rest of the season and as the QB, the responsibility rested on the team, but mostly on me. The pressure never really bothered me until other people started placing it on me constantly. Today would be no exception. 

 

I walked down the stairs, dropping my backpack at the bottom and walking into the kitchen. I jerked to a halt as my walk faltered. Mother glanced up at my movement. Her brows furrowed and her head tilted slightly. 

 

“Are you okay dear?”  _ You’re supposed to be at work already.  _

 

“Yes Mother, I’m just surprised to see you home. Are you off of work today?” I asked hesitantly. She sipped her coffee watching me for a moment. She sighed. 

 

“No, I’m driving to the Charleston firm today and staying until the end of the office day tomorrow,” She rolled her eyes, “They have been misfiling some important documents and it was recommended I go straighten everything out,” I nodded, moving forward to sit.

 

 I shifted in my seat a little uncomfortable. I looked down at my place mat where my bowl had already been filled with my regular cereal. Mother pushed the milk on the table toward me, and I thanked her. 

 

“Your jersey looks very nice, Mircalla”  _ That’s not my name.  _

 

Everything was mechanical. Precise. As if everything was planned. Nothing but nuts and bolts. A bunch of gears. It was intentional, with a purpose. And half the time it was a game for me to figure out where the situation was going. The constant alluring to something was exhausting, and many a time I grew tired of the game. 

 

I bit back a sigh, “Thank you Mother,”

 

It was quiet for a moment, Will must still be getting ready. Otherwise he heard us and opted to stay upstairs which I wouldn’t blame him for. 

 

“Do you think the game will go well tonight?” She questioned, taking an interest in her newspaper again. I rolled my eyes out of habit and froze as my eyes met hers. She quirked a brow. 

 

“My apologies, Mother. I didn’t mean that. I get asked that question so often sometimes I forget. But yes I do think it will go well. The team has been practicing very hard, and I execute what is asked of me very well,” I thought for a moment, “I actually forgot to grab my cleats, I should-” I moved to get up and go get them but she held her hand up and stood. 

 

“Nonsense, dear. I’ll go grab them for you. You need to eat," she tilted her head toward my bowl slightly and I glanced at it with a timid disgust. It was my favorite cereal yet somehow tainted. As if the simple thought of her touching it drained my liking for it. 

 

I attempted to stand again, protesting as politely as I could. 

 

“I don’t mind Mother, the exercise will do me good,” She held my glance.

 

“As it will for me,”

 

“I don’t want to inconvenience you-” 

 

“Mircalla, sit,” she said pointedly. I didn’t move. I just stood there internally begging her to let it go. The thought of her in my room was off putting. It was the only place in the entire house that was actually mine. Somewhere that she never ventured, at least not to my knowledge. It wouldn’t surprise me if she did go through our rooms when we weren’t home. But our naivety kept the idea of our privacy intact. 

 

“Now.” I sat roughly, pulling my chair toward the table, legs screeching as it skidded across the wooden floor. The distant sound of clicking heels, echoed hauntingly.  _ One step, Two step, Three step, Four, Seven, Eleven- _

 

“Mircalla, this room is an absolute pig sti!” she shrieked. My eyes rolled again,  _ Well maybe if you had stayed down here like I told you to. _ That was dangerous thinking. Whenever I failed to quiet my rebuttals was normally when I would get in trouble. Some times were easier than others. The clicking on the floor grew closer, I craned my neck to see her enter and stood, flinching as my cleats clattered to the ground. 

 

“I want that room clean Mircalla,” her eyes narrowed and brows settled firmly. A scowl with a faint frown traced her lips.  _ Disapproval.  _ A look I was all too familiar with. Disapproval of my room. Disapproval of my grades. Disapproval of my outfits. My language. My hair. My weight. My sport. My life. Big or small I never failed to disappoint. There were many things I failed to do in her eyes, but the one thing I could never fall short on, was living up to her idea of an abject failure. 

 

“I don’t have time to clean it right now,” I said as simply as I could. 

 

“Well, when are you going to make time to clean it?” 

 

“When I get home,”

 

“You and I both know full well, you will do no such thing. If you even come home at all. You’re always too busy galavanting off with those airhead teammates of yours. Going here,” She shrieked, “Going there. Always somewhere but never at home taking care of your responsibilities like you should be, are you?” My hands balled into fists and I set my jaw giving the answer I knew she wanted. 

 

“No, I’m not,”

 

She nodded slightly, “Exactly. And after all I do and you can’t even clean up a little? Honestly, I do so much for you and ask for nothing in return other than to show some civility. Am I  _ SO  _ wrong in asking that of you Mircalla?” I said nothing. 

“That’s what I thought. I want that room cleaned before I come home tomorrow night or there will be consequences, am I understood?”

 

“Yes Mother,” I said grabbing my bowl and sitting it in the sink, making no effort to cover up my annoyance. She watched my movement, and I bent down in front of her scooping up my cleats. I stood square with her, and for a moment I felt a little brave. The slightest twitch in her face was enough victory for me and I stepped around her.  A victory over Mother was always short lived, and knowing that almost took away all pleasure in the victory at all…  _ almost. _

 

___

 

I sat in the back of all my classes quiet and reserved. I was tired of hearing my name yelled. “Karnstein!” “Karnstein!” “Karnstein!”  _ Shut up.  _ A bunch of lack wits, all of them. It was exhausting to have to constantly interact and live up to such an idea of myself. An idea of me that wasn’t even real. I knew that better than anyone. I mean, I was me after all. I walked to English with my head high even though I would have rather ducked and gone unnoticed. Every teammate I passed held out a fist that I bumped. Some other students would offer a quick “good luck”. I could see a small huddle of white jersey’s next to my English door. I forced myself to hold back a sigh. 

 

“Angry hottie! Are you pumped for tonight?” Kirsch said loudly in greeting. His hair was unkempt and it looked like he had rolled out of bed. His stupid grin plastered ear to ear. Kirsch loved the game, and he loved playing it even more. 

 

He knew everything there was to know about football, especially Silas football. 

  
“Yeah, can’t wait!” Fake enthusiasm filled my voice, it didn’t sound unnatural though. To them, it was how I talked. But to me, it was a masked version. One that fit with my persona of being a leader for them. 

 

“Those dumb Timber wolves aren’t going to know what hit them!” Ben smirked, looking at Jacob.

 

“I heard they’ve just been tightening their defense as much as they could, as if that would be enough to stop K over here,” he gestured to me as Ben and Kirsch agreed. 

 

“Well, as long as you don’t fuck up the play,” I recognized the voice before he made his way into the group. 

 

“As long as we all do our part you mean?” I corrected, looking up at the tall blonde. Johnson smiled sickly,

 

“That’s exactly what I meant, Captain. Just make sure you leave the butterfingers at home is all I’m saying. Can’t have you slipping up on throws on opening night. Not with half the town coming” He smiled at me and winked, “ I’ll see you boys later,” he waltzed away and I rolled my eyes. 

 

“What a douche,”

 

“I’d like to hit him, just once,” Kirsch bit out. 

 

“Take a number,” I said calmly, even though his remarks made my anxiety spike more than I would have liked.  _ It’ll be fine. My throws have been perfect.  _

 

“Don’t listen to him, K,” Ben said sweetly bumping my shoulder. I looked at him for a moment and gave a weak smile. 

 

“I-uh- I gotta go to class,” I gestured behind me toward the door, “I’ll see you guys later,” I walked in heading straight back to my seat.  

_ It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve thrown thousands of throws, tonight will be no different. Just find a pair of hands. Don’t get sacked. Everything will be fine and I’ll do perfect. Perfection equals freedom.  _

 

I pulled out my phone to text Will about the after party and scowled seeing I had a message from Mother. I slid the message open.

 

**Mother 10:03 : Enjoy opening night. Clean your room.**

 

I rolled my eyes, closing out my messages opting to text Will later. I opened Pinterest and started mindlessly scrolling. 

 

“No snark today?” It was a sweet voice coming from in front of me. 

 

“Why, pray tell, would I waste my breath insulting  _ you _ ,” I didn’t even think before the response flew out of my mouth. Part of me didn’t care I was fed up with everyone expecting something from me. I felt her eyes watching me.

 

“Can you get out of my face?” I barked.

 

“Are you okay?”  _ No. I feel like I could cry or explode at any minute.  _

 

“Peachy now leave me the  _ fuck  _ alone,” I growled. It came from a deeper part of me. The anger. It wasn’t meant for her. She just happened to be in front of me.  _ I’m sorry.  _

 

“Fine. Be an asshole, see if I care,”   she turned in her chair quickly.

 

 My hand reached out, hovering over her shoulder. One motion and I would tap her to get her attention. To apologize. She let out a huff and leaned forward and my hand shrank away without ever touching her. 

 

_ Disappointment. _

 

The bell rang and I was the first one out of my seat, how the boys were already outside waiting for me I had no idea. Probably a little white lie to get them out of class so they could meet me. They normally did this, especially on game days. I greeted them confidently. I let them do most of the talking. I pretended like I didn’t see honey hair pass me. I ignored it until Jacob peeled away from the group stepping in front of her. I couldn’t help the scowl on my face. Ben gave me a questioning look after his eyes went from Jacob and Laura to me. I pushed my lips into a neutral expression. 

 

“Hey, I’m Jacob,” he smiled at her in a way that made my stomach clench. And I didn’t really know why. She’s just some girl from English. 

 “Hey, I don’t care,” she replied, going to step around him. I let out a light laugh, feeling a small swell of pride for her. 

 He stepped in front of her again. Ben’s eyes were glued on me. It was clear he was curious as to why I had taken a particular interest considering I never showed this much attention to almost anything Jacob did. Even when it came to girls. A fake smirk covered my lips, as good at masks as I was, I couldn’t help but feel my disdain was still very much present.

 “So I was thinking you come to see me tonight and I take you to the after party with me,” Laura’s honey eyes looked toward me. Her eyes had a slight pleading just beneath them.  _ Give me a sign Laura and I’ll save you.  _ But she didn’t. Her eyes hardened at me and she smiled looking back to Jacob. 

 “So I was thinking,” she started. My hands clenched into balled fists my nails digging into my skin. What game is she playing right now? 

“That you take your dick and put it in a blender,” she finished.

 It took a moment for us to process that she had actually just said that out loud to his face. Ben, Kirsch and I burst out laughing at her unique and impressive comeback. She stepped around him walking away. He turned to us and we shushed ourselves but only for a moment, before Kirsch barked out laughing again followed by Ben and me. 

The boys and I made our way to lunch as Jacob remained pretty quiet as we teased him. We entered into the cafeteria ignoring the numerous eyes on us. It was normal for the team to be watched, analyzed. It never really bothered me much. I was able to ignore the feeling easily enough. But there was a certain weight on me that was different. My eyes searched the crowd quickly as I made my way to the rest of our teammates. Honey eyes met mine for a moment before Laura turned away talking to her nerd squad. The rest of her group weren’t as subtle. Danny gave me a glare that I was all too happy to return. The science ginger, I knew from a class last year. The curly haired ginger I knew from my home ec class freshman year. I heard my name being called and my attention came back to my group. Indulging them in pointless antics, and brain numbing conversation.

_____

I didn’t actually have to be back at school until 5pm so I went home after the rest of the day. The guys invited me to hang out but being around people constantly was too much. And knowing that I was going to have to make my appearance at the after party made my decision all the more sound. I sat at a table on the ground floor of the cafe with my black iced coffee and my book. My headphones helped keep me in my own world. I stayed focused on the words, my body relaxing. It was like taking a fresh breath. The only times I ever really felt like myself were when I was by myself. It was a sad truth. Even with Will, I knew I had to be the strong, big sister for him. I didn’t always feel like that though. A movement outside the window caused my eyes to drift from my pages and locked with the eyes of Laura Hollis as she jogged past the glass window I was just on the other side of. 

It felt almost like a metaphor. It always felt like me and Laura Hollis were on two separate paths. And whenever they did intertwine it was never good. We were always two people on seperate sides. And maybe it was for the better. She was gentle and nice and bubbly. I would hear her laughing with her nerd squad down the hall and it would almost pull a smile to my lips. Almost. When I would watch her talk with her friends, or do dorky things, there was a small part of me that wanted to be apart of that. Something real. Something unspoiled. Something pure. 

 

The cheers were deafening when my throw landed in Kirsch’s hands like we had practiced for the previous weeks. He made his run bee lining through the remaining defenders all the way to the end zone. Beads of sweat rolled down my face and my breathing was labored. It was a tough opener even if we were up by multiple touchdowns. The stands were covered in scarlet and yellow. People with painted faces screaming down at us in excitement, some in criticism. There were children, teenagers, adults. All ages, it felt like the whole town was here. And that's what it felt like. I shook the pressure of hundreds of eyes off me while the team circled around me. I looked down at my playbook on my arm and called the next two plays confidently. 

 

The ball rested comfortably in my hands and when I looked up, my eyes shifted amongst the chaos looking for hands. Hands that weren’t there. My body hit the ground hard. My head hit, and even protected by my helmet, for a moment I felt dazed. The crowd’s yells were in the distance, and I saw Ben leaning over me offering me a hand. I grabbed it and everything came back into focus.

We reset and before I could release the ball a second time, I hit the ground. 

 

Everyone cheered when I walked in the door. I did my best to just stand tall and try and keep my eyes from wandering around the room. Once the initial attention dissipated, I told Ben I was going to get a drink and branched off alone. I adjusted my sleeveless band tee nervously.  _ Why am I even nervous? _ And when I met her eyes, I knew why. She makes me nervous.  _ You’re Carmilla Karnstein. No one should make you nervous.  _ But she does. And it isn’t in a bad way. It makes me feel almost giddy.  _ You don’t feel giddy. Especially not over a girl.  _

I stood straight walking past Laura and looking at Lafontaine who was playing mad scientist meets bartender.

 

“A whiskey please, in the cabinet under the sink,” I turned to Laura and acted surprised,

 

“Oh and look a little ball of tween sunshine somehow made it through the door despite the fact that your way to small for any rides here,”her eyebrows furrowed at my teasing almost exactly like how I thought they would. 

 

She took another sip of her drink, “I’m surprised you could fit through the door with such an egotistical big head like yours. Do tell, is it hard to live with your condition?” 

 

I did love a girl that could bite back.  _ Wait what?  _

 

I scoffed, “If by condition you mean being one of the greatest things to walk the earth and grace this little town, then not at all sweetheart,” Laf put the drink on the table looking between the two of us. I grabbed it without her eyes ever leaving mine. There was something in them. Fiery. Desire maybe? Passion? Something I wanted too. Maybe I could find out what it was if I leaned in. But my body moved on its own, away from her. I smirked looking over my shoulder.

 

“I think it’s past your bedtime squirt,” and with that I walked out back where they were setting up another pong table. 

 

Over the course of the night I had made a couple trips to the bar for another whiskey. And after a text from Mother, I made a few more trips. Each time coming back with a double, or a triple. I stopped counting. I looked around at all the people, laughing, dancing. I still felt out of place. I knew I was supposed to feel amazing, I won the game, I made the perfect throws, everyone treats me like I’m something special, but for some reason standing here in the middle of loud, thumping music I wanted nothing more than to just disappear. To shrink back and be a wallflower that no one knew. 

 

I was trying to finish this game of pong and get ready to leave but Elle was making that incredibly difficult. She had somehow ended up as my pong partner. My foggy brain had had enough of her attention seeking. Despite being in the same grade as me she acted like a fool. She made stupid mistakes, trying to get my attention, which I had no patience for. Her hands would make their way around my wrist, or my shoulders. I shrugged her off every time. There was something about someone who would act like a complete fool to get my attention that was impressively unattractive. After what felt like her hundredth miss, she cried out an apology in what could only be described as a shriek. My eyes rolled, my drunken state not caring much for tact. And my eyes found the most beautiful thing in the room. Lucky me. I softened, I could feel it. My body relaxed just looking at her kind eyes. It was like she saw me differently, even if it was just for a moment it was an eternity for me. 

 

A ball splashed into one of the cups and I downed the drink in a true drunk quarterback fashion. Throwing the ball back and sinking it. Everyone around was cheering again, and my body tensed again. It didn’t bother me much though. I lived in the pressure, in the tension. I looked back to see Laura walking away, and a frown crept its way onto my face. The only person I wanted to watch me had walked away. 

 

Some sort of chilled liquid and ice made its way down my back, as I was bumped roughly tipping the table. 

 

“What the hell you lackwit?!” Johnson chuckled again before throwing the cup in the grass.

 

“Chill K, I’m just trying to cool you off. Cause you’re hot and all,” he snickered. He was clearly drunk but then again so was I. I knew exactly what he was doing. Acting out like this. It wasn’t uncommon for someone to challenge me. To try and embarrass me, to prove to other people that they weren’t under my thumb.I held my head high.

 

“Apologize and get out of my sight and maybe I’ll let that slide,” my voice bit out lowly, my arms folded over my chest naturally and I squared my shoulders just as Mother taught me.

 

He eyed me for a moment, considering it. Then he looked at the crowd that was watching and smiled,

 

“What are you embarrassed?”  _ Oh, he’s done for.  _

 

I laughed harshly,

 

 “I’m never embarrassed. The only thing here that’s embarrassing is how you played tonight,” the crowd hooped at that and I smiled sickly.

 

“Embarrassing is the fact that your girlfriend preferred when I fucked her instead of you,” the boy child in front of me turned a bright shade of red. I had never slept with his girlfriend, but it's all part of the act. If you say anything with enough authority the people around you believe it.  I walked closer to him. Part of me was enjoying myself. I liked making him feel small after being such an asshole. I liked giving him what he deserved.  _ Who are you to determine what he deserves? Makes you like mother.  _ I ignored the thought cocking my head to the side and tsk-ed, 

 

“Embarrassing is you ugly crying in your room at night after eating a box of fried chicken because you know that you’ll never be anything close to me. That you’re going to die in this town and end up like your father. You’ll be just like him,” I paused looking around making sure everyone was paying attention, “inadequate at best and downright laughable at worst.” 

 

Johnson exploded like I knew he would, throwing a right hook. I dropped low, the punch going over my head just like I had in my fair share of football fights. My counterpunch landed perfectly and Johnson dropped to the ground in pain as the crowd just exploded. 

 

“You’re off my fucking team,” I yelled. I reached over where Elle was standing, taking the drink out of her hands and pouring it over him laying on the ground in a heap. I walked away, not looking back. My head was up and I acted like I didn’t want to cry. 

 

It wasn’t a long walk home and it felt even shorter when I was mildly swaying. I opened my phone, a couple tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t even know I was upset. Everything was just too much for a moment. The people, Johnson, Mother, I just felt the swelling in my chest that escaped in small choked sobs. I was down the street, the pumping music fading until I heard my name.

 

“Carmilla!”  _ Carmilla. Not Mircalla. Not K. Not Karnstein. My name. _

 

I wiped my face quickly turning around seeing Kirsch. He stood in dark blue jeans and a loose black shirt, his hair wild, but his eyes focused. 

 

“Why are you leaving? You didn’t say bye?” I could feel the ache at the back of my throat. 

 

“I-” It came out weak, and got caught in my throat. Kirsch started making his way toward me as I felt myself start to cry a little more. His arms wrapped around me like the big brother he always acted like. 

 

“Hey, its okay. It’s okay, we’re gonna be okay,” He pulled away looking at me. My eyes stayed trained on my feet, or looking anywhere but his face. 

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t even know why I’m upset. Everything just became a lot for a second, Kirsch. I’m fine, really,” I gave a weak smile and forced myself to look him in the eyes. He smiled sweetly,

 

“That’s okay. Sometimes you just need to, there’s nothing wrong with that,” he shrugged, looking back to the party then at me, “Tell you what, just let me go grab my phone and my wallet and I’ll walk you home, okay?” I shook my head but before I could argue, “I’m not taking no for an answer Carmilla. Stay here, I’ll be right back,” 

He took off back to the house, at a light jog. _Great, now you’re making Kirsch leave early. And no doubt Danny is going to be pissed because of it._ _You make stuff worse._ Kirsch was already walking back up, and I could see Danny on the lawn of the house far behind him. He reached me gently grabbing my elbow to direct me to walk. 

 

“Kirsch, you should be with your girlfriend,” I said simple. I used my arm to wipe at my cheeks frustrated. He looked at me with sad puppy eyes. He could always see through me. 

  
“I should be with my best friend because she needs me more than my girlfriend does right now,” he smiled. “Do you wanna talk about it?” he asked more quietly. A light breeze made my cheeks feel a little colder. 

 

My lip quivered and my eyes welled up again. 

 

“I don’t even know why I’m upset. I feel stupid. Like nothing is wrong. We won our game, I did well. My Mother is out of town-”

 

“There’s nothing you can pinpoint right now that has you upset?” 

 

I racked my brain. I mean there were a billion little things, stacked together. 

 

“It’s not one specific thing, it’s a bunch of little things and I just had a moment where I needed to let something out,” he side eyed me, and I rolled my eyes, “Fine. I was already kind of upset after the game, I was just in my head. I got sacked  too many times and my passes weren’t perfect. And then we were here and people were everywhere. Looking at me, congratulating me, analyzing me. I just felt out of place. Like I didn’t belong. Which sounds so stupid because I’m me, but I just wanted to disappear for a minute. And then Johnson pulled that dumb stunt, and I acted like Mother and I just scared myself for a minute,”

 

“What was something good that happened tonight?” I didn’t even think, or miss a beat.

 

I smiled, “I saw Laura,” He looked at me with a grin.

 

“Nerd hottie? She’s really nice, you like her?” 

 

“No one said anything about-” I caught myself, “I don’t know yet. She interests me,”

 

“What about her ‘interests’ you?” he questioned curiously, an eyebrow raised.

 

“Well…”

__________

 

I tried dodging Laura when I was with the guys on Monday morning. After she spilled her coffee on me I knew there was a certain reaction expected from me by my teammates, but if I could just stay out of her way for today I could just let it slide and the guys would forget about it. I waited until the second bell rang before walking into English. I watched as Laura looked up, something in her eyes sparkling. 

 

“You’re late,” she said as I walked past her to my seat. 

 

“Yeah and you’re annoying,” I shot back lightly. Laura turned after a couple minutes, placing a small ripped piece of paper on the corner of my desk. I eyed her playfully before picking it up. I opened it carefully, and a small smile slipped on my face. It was a rough, very rough, doodle of her spilling coffee on me. And a small ‘I’m sorry’ scribbled on the bottom. This girl was something else, something wonderful. She was focused on the front board and I slipped the small note into my pocket with the full intention of saving it. 

 

I let Laura walk out before me, taking my time. The guys were waiting for me, Kirsch, Ben, Jacob, and Newt. Newt and Ben had been with me on Saturday. Ben probably didn’t care much, but Newt clearly wanted me to react. I greeted them, and tried to jump into whatever it was they were talking about.  _ Don’t draw attention to her.  _ I glanced over my shoulder to see her at her locker.  _ Smooth Karnstein.  _

 

“Hey Karnstein, isn’t that the girl that spilled coffee all over you on Saturday?”

I stayed silent. 

 

“Yeah it is, come on Karnstein lets go give her a hard time,” Newt made a movement toward Laura, but it wasn’t more than a step before I grabbed his bicep. He looked at my hand on his arm then at me.

 

“I can handle it on my own Newt,” I let go of him walking toward Laura. 

 

The closer I got the more nervous I got. I tapped her shoulder gently and when she turned around, I caught my breath. I did my best to not start counting the light dusting of freckles across her nose. I angled myself so they couldn’t see her face. 

 

“I’m going to knock your books out of your hand,” she just looked at me, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

 

“Why? And why would you tell me instead of just doing it?” she asked in a gentle but accusing tone. 

 

I shrugged, “I told you I’d get payback so I kind of have to, even though you apologized which was nice and appreciated,” Like really nice and appreciated.  _ I loved your note, even though you’re really bad at drawing.  _

 

Her eyes shifted over her shoulder back toward the guys. 

 

“You have to because they saw me do it?” I nodded slightly,

 

“Why does it matter if you don’t do anything in retaliation?” she pressed. 

 

“That’s not really how it works cupcake. I’m there captain or whatever, so I’m supposed to keep them happy even if they are a bunch of airheads,” I said. I really didn’t want to. I liked this girl, and knocking her books over isn’t exactly giving me brownie points. She shifted her books so she was holding them with both hands making it easy for me to knock them over. 

 

“Didn’t know we were in a 2000’s movie,” she said playfully looking at me. My eyes rolled teasingly,

 

“Thanks for this,” she smiled, but only slightly not wanting the boys to see. 

 

“Yeah yeah yeah, go on. I’m starting to think you’re soft,” I smiled a little, only for her to see though,

 

“Seriously, thanks,” I said. I brought my hands down hard, knocking them to the ground in a dramatic motion. People around us turning and looking on. Her face bunched up acting surprised and angry. 

 

“Really Carmilla?” She yelled loudly to help sell it. I shrugged walking backwards,

 

“Maybe you shouldn’t mess with me, Cupcake,” I walked away only looking back after I was walking with the guys. I smiled. She rolled her eyes and reached down grabbing her books. And I looked forward, not even bothering to listen to whatever the guys had to say. 

 

____

 

My eyes wandered over to Laura mid-play. I couldn’t help myself. Before I knew it I had over shot my pass...again.

 

“Karnstein! Get you head out of your ass! That's your third miss, there better not be another!” I cursed under my breath.  _ Come on Carmilla. It’s just Laura, you see her all the time. Make the play.  _

 

I took my position again.The ball was hiked straight into my hands. The offense and defense were clashing, and my head swiveling.I couldn’t find a pair of open hands. A defensive player broke through to my left and I started running. I ran it around the right side toward Laura and the rest of the track team, and made it about 15 feet before being tackled roughly. My body ached as I stood back up. Coach stormed over, and I shifted uncomfortable.

 

“That wasn’t the play Karnstein,” he said in a loud tone. I dipped my head a little, not making eye contact and replied with a simple but clear,

 

“Yes coach,” His body tensed and he held his clipboard to the side.  _ I hate this.  _

 

“Can you make this play work Karnstein? Or is it too difficult? Should I have pulled a play from the middle school play book?”

 

 I looked up at him. I looked around quickly at everyone paying attention and I felt red flush my cheeks.  _ Why is everyone looking at me? Stop looking, please.  _

 

“I can make it work coach, I just need a little bigger of a window. The wide receiver cut in too early,” He thought for a moment, before muttering a fine. 

 

“Run it again!” He yelled walking away from me. My eyes glanced around, watching people’s attention shift away from me. I met Laura’s eyes for a moment before I turned back to the play.

 

__

Mother was in a foul mood tonight, and with Will staying at a friend’s house tonight I made an evening walk to the cafe. It was pretty empty when I walked in, all except Laura Hollis sitting in one of the corners of the cafe with what looked like her English homework spread out on the table, back to me. I adjusted my backpack straps, heading to the counter. I ordered my black hot coffee, and an extra of whatever Laura had gotten. The barista placed my coffee, hot chocolate and a chocolate chip cookie on the counter. I thanked him quietly before walking up to her table,  sitting the hot chocolate and cookie down in front of her. Her hair was in a messy bun and she was wearing a doctor who t shirt. 

 

“Looked like you needed a refill,” I said with a small smile.  _ Don’t panic. Be cool.  _ She smiled brightly at me. It felt like the room itself, got brighter too. 

 

“Thanks Carmilla,” 

 

“Sure thing,” I turned to head up the stairs, I faltered, turning when she called my name. I looked at her and her eyes fluttered around the room. 

 

“Uh, I was just- If you have to do the English homework too, uh, maybe we could do it together? If- if you wanted to sit with me?” Our eyes met, and it felt like both of us just relaxed in that small moment. 

 

“Yeah, I’d love to sit with you Cupcake,” I sat down pulling out my homework as she watched me. 

 

“What?” I asked gently.

 

“Nothing,” she smiled, shaking her head and going back to her homework. 

 


	6. Moonlit Docks Are No Place For Romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura has her first track meet, Makes some new friends, a fight? Almost. And some other stuff too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS! Long time no write. Well here it is, I have been thoroughly working on this for the past 2 weeks, evading classwork and homework to bring this to your electronic devices and alas it is here. I did my best to make this chapter super long for you all being amazing, patient humans. (totaled in at 17 pages on google so enjoy that) Sorry for any errors I missed I can be quite illiterate sometimes!
> 
> Hope you all enjoy! Remember to leave a kudos or a comment (or not that's totally fine too and i love you just as much!) but it does really help give me motivation to keep writing and I love hearing everyone's feedback!   
> ENJOY!!

 

I decided I like Carmilla when no one is around. She really was a shapeshifter. She was sitting in front of me reading some old book with the title so worn you couldn’t read it. Her hair was beautiful curly black rings, her eyes dark and penetrating. Her brows were furrowed as she read, seemingly having forgotten about me. How could I work on my homework with her sitting there biting her lip and mindlessly tapping her fingers on her coffee cup? It wasn’t fair. Her eyes shifted over the top of her book catching mine and I quickly looked back down at my homework acting busy. 

 

“You can stare cupcake, I don’t mind,” she smirked, her voice low and raspy. I kept my eyes lowered, trying to hide the light blush on my cheeks from being caught. 

 

I shook my head, “I wasn’t- I was just- I was thinking,” I finally looked at her and her eyebrows went up suggestively, “No! Not thinking about you-or  _ that _ \- I was- thinking about the assignment, and happened to be looking-in your direction-not actually, at… you,” I finished. 

 

She laughed lightly, clearly amused at my babbling. I laughed with her, and our laughter grew for a few seconds. It was light and beautiful, carefree. 

 

“Whatever you say, Cupcake,” she smiled, shaking her head and returning to her book. I was still grinning like a fool as I ducked my head back to my homework, only stealing quick glances when I was sure she wasn’t going to catch me. 

 

The sun had been down for a little bit and when I opened my phone I saw that the time was already 8pm. A couple messages from my dad, wondering where I was. I met Carmilla’s eyes as she watched me carefully. 

 

“Do you have to go home?” She asked, sitting her book down.

I looked at the messages again and back at her.

  
“Yeah, I should probably head home. My dad likes me home earlier on school nights,” There was a hint of sadness in my voice that I hadn’t meant to put there. 

“No worries,” she started packing up her stuff. 

 

“What-what are you doing?” 

“I was going to walk you home, unless you don’t want me to that is,”

 

Her eyes were doing that thing they do, staring into my soul, my mind, staring into somewhere deep inside me that made me feel. 

 

“I don’t want to get you in trouble with your parents,” I said slowly, putting the last book in my backpack.

 

She stood up, “I doubt my mother has even noticed my absence yet, I can spare some more time for you cupcake,”

 

I made a mental note that when asked about her parents, Carmilla only mentioned her mother. 

 

When we were leaving the cafe, I jumped at the sudden ringing from Carmilla’s pocket. She reached for her phone apologizing as she answered the person calling:  _ Will.  _

 

“Hey, what’s up?” she asked him, she looked at me apologetically. And I mouthed  _ it’s fine.  _ I didn’t move, secretly still hoping she could walk me home. She listened intently, but our eyes remained locked. 

 

“Yeah, yeah. I just have something to do first and then I’ll come get you, okay. See you in a bit,”she tucked the phone back in her back pocket.

 

“I’m sorry my brother was supposed to be having a sleepover tonight but he said Mother wants him to go home. I just have to pick him up soon,” She made a motion for us to continue walking.  We began a short journey down the street. 

 

“You don’t have to walk me home if you have to go get your brother, I totally understand, and I don’t need protecting anyway Carmilla I’m perfectly capable-,”

 

“I never said you weren’t, you’re probably capable of a lot, I'm sure,” she wiggled her eyebrows.

 

I rolled my eyes in a dramatic fashion, “Get your head out of the gutter Karnstein,” She shifted like she was a little uncomfortable at what I said, the smile disappearing from her lips in a moment that had been tainted by something deeper than I knew of. 

 

“I said something, didn’t I?” I made sure my voice was light, careful, delicately towing a line of curiosity that could easily ruin everything we’d just built. 

 

She hesitated, the air hanging between us and only the sound of quiet crunching beneath our feet could be heard. 

 

“No, everything’s fine,” I could tell she held back whatever it was she actually wanted to say. I understood though. We had only had this… acquaintanceship, for a couple hours. It made sense she wasn’t willing to let down every wall that she had. And I was becoming more and more aware of how heavily guarded Carmilla’s mind really was. The walls meant to keep others out, but would also keep everything in. The more clearly I could see the walls only gave birth to a new ambition of breaking each one down. 

 

I could see my house nearing, we were a little ways away from where the main town started. 

 

“That’s me,” I said stopping, “Thanks for walking me, and for the hot chocolate,”

 

“No problem Cupcake, you’re not so bad when you’re not all bunched up and frustrated,” her voice was teasing, and it made a smile tug at the corners of my lips.

 

“You’re not so bad when you lose your airheads,” I quipped back, and she smiled a little, turning her and looking back towards town. No doubt to try and hide it. She started to take steps backwards, finally looking at me.

 

“Goodnight Cupcake, see you tomorrow,” I waved and she turned around. I watched her retreat for a few seconds before turning to head to my front door. It closed behind me and I stepped into the living room to my right. My dad was sitting on the couch and smiled when he saw me. 

 

“Hey Cub Scout,” he looked at his watch, “At the coffee shop a bit long tonight huh?” 

 

Chestnut eyes, raven hair and the smell of dusty books flooded my senses. 

 

“Yeah, I ran into a friend from school,”  He smiled, obviously pleased at the mention of me making friends.  _ To me adjusting. _

 

“That’s great, Laura! You should have your friends over soon! I have my eye on this fire pit project I’m going to tackle when I’m off on Thursday. You could invite some people over Friday night!” I rubbed my arm, and looked away.

 

“Actually dad, I was thinking about going to the game on Friday night, and maybe hanging out with some friends afterward… if that’s okay?” His smile faltered for only a moment, I knew he wanted me to be home more often but I didn’t have it in me. Every moment in the house together is another moment we realize that were missing one more person. I knew he felt her absence too, probably more than I did. 

 

“Of course, that sounds great, Laura,” he looked at the tv, turning it off. “Now that I know your home safe, I’m gonna head to bed.” 

 

It was noticeable that he was upset but honestly I had lost my touch on comforting him. I just didn’t know how to anymore. We had lost the ability to comfort each other last year, we had to take care of ourselves individually before we could care for each other. It’s not what she would have wanted but that’s just how we survived. Free for all. It worked in our favor sometimes and other times it felt like I was living with a stranger. 

 

Tuesday came fast enough and I saw Carmilla down the hall next to our English class, much to my dismay, with her teammates. She still gave a small smile at me and I turned to open my locker. 

 

“Hey Laura!” I turned and a tall redhead stood in the way of my sight of Carmilla.    
  


“Hi Danny, what’s up,” I asked slightly distracted, peering around her subtly taking a quick glance at Carmilla. Danny turned to see what I was looking at and looked at me with a twisted face. 

 

“Why are you so interested in Karnstein?” she questioned, the inflection in her voice full of accusations. I felt my eyebrows furrow and I held my books tighter to my chest. I shrugged.

 

“She seems nice to me…” I trailed. Danny’s face went red as she tried not to laugh. I rolled my eyes, looking down the hall to hide my own aggravation. I didn’t really care what had happened between them but Danny’s hatred for her was becoming consistently annoying. I huffed, looking back to her, her eyebrows raised.

“You’re serious?” I shrugged again, not even wanting to open my mouth at this point.

“She’s a raging sociopath, Laura.” I flinched at the way she said my name so harshly. I glanced over to Carmilla again who caught my eyes before Danny stepped in the way again.

 

“She doesn’t care about anybody but herself. She isn’t nice to anyone unless she wants something so if she’s nice to you it probably just means she wants to-” Danny stopped short when someone bumped into her. Carmilla. Her hair pulled back in a low bun with a few pieces framing her face. She was wearing a black band shirt with bleach spots and dark jeans. Her eyes looked tired, dark circles underneath them. 

 

“Oops,” she said unapologetically. Her voice cold, like it was the first day we met. Danny was seething, her hands clenched around her notebook. 

 

“Gotta problem, Karnstein?” She spat out, and Carmilla’s lips twitched. She wasn’t carrying any books and her hands were by her side. She was calm, calculated. 

 

“Yeah I do actually. It’s not nice to talk about people behind their backs,”

 

“Whatever and whoever I was talking to Laura about doesn’t really concern you,”

 

“Guys, let’s just go to class,” I tried, simply. But their eyes were locked on one another barely paying any attention to me.

 

“I think you should apologize,” Danny said.

 

“I would if I was actually sorry,” 

 

“Well we know you aren’t, considering you don’t have feelings, Wonder-kid,”

 

One of the boys Carmilla had been talking to before had been brave enough to wander over, I remember his name was Kirsch. 

 

“D-bear, why don’t we just relax,” he tried to gently grab her hand but she shook him off.

 

She turned on him quickly, breaking her stare-down with Carmilla.

“Are you seriously, taking her side right now? Did you see her slam her shoulder into me?” Danny all but shrieked, gaining a few more interested parties. Kirsch held up his hands innocently. I kinda felt bad for him being stuck in the middle but at the same time I knew what it felt like. 

 

Me and Carmilla had started to develop something that resembled the beginning of a friendship but Danny was my captain. It was a weird in between where I really didn’t like being. 

 

“Like Laura said, why don’t you just head to class,” Carmilla sneered.

 

“Carm,” I scolded quietly, she looked at me and deflated a bit rolling her eyes. 

 

“Why don’t you shut your mouth?” Danny bit back, our words overlapping. Carmilla looked at me one more time and I shook my head slightly. Her eyes looked a little kinder but I felt like I was the only one that saw it.

“Whatever,” she turned walking back toward our English class. She barely made it two steps before Danny was on her heels grabbing her arm, spinning her. Carmilla looked deadly down at Danny’s hand.

 

“Unless you want to lose it, I suggest you get it off me,” it was a lowly threat, one I had no doubt that Carmilla would deliver on if pushed to it. Danny got closer to her face.

 

“No. You know what? Stay away from Laura, okay freak? You might be the star jock but everyone knows whatever is upstairs is  _ fucked _ ,” 

 

Carmilla visibly flinched painfully at her words. Her body shuddered for a moment. She actually looked hurt. It made my blood boil, and I was about to step in before I felt a hand on my shoulder, Kirsch. Carmilla’s eyes darted around her, seemingly looking for a way out only to find people staring back at her. The light tint on her cheeks and the way her eyes found the floor made my heartache. Almost everyone was watching now.

 

Danny was way out of line. I understood that she was concerned about Carmilla’s… intentions with me but I was perfectly capable of watching out for myself. The last thing I needed was Danny acting all overprotective Xena on the girl I liked.  _ Hold that thought Hollis. Not the time to have this revelation.  _

 

I didn’t know if I should ignore Kirsch and step in, step in front of Carmilla and tell my captain to get lost? To just grab Carmilla’s hand and pull her away? I didn’t really know what was okay, since we were barely friends. It was only a moment later Carmilla made the decision for me. 

 

Carmilla’s hands flew out to Danny’s shoulders shoving her almost to the other side of the hallway. The pink tint on Carmilla’s cheeks were replaced by an angry red face. Danny dropped her backpack and books ready to launch herself at Carmilla when Kirsch finally thought it might be a good idea to step in. I lept in front of Carmilla but her eyes were over my shoulder, staring venomous daggers into Danny. Her hands were clenched but she made no effort to pass me. I could hear Kirsch holding her back as Danny’s converse squeaked against the floor trying to move around him. 

 

“That’s enough ladies!” 

 

Mr. Benson had stepped out of his classroom, clearly aware of the confrontation at hand. His almost immediate disinterest told me this happened a little too frequently. Carmilla looked down at me, her brown eyes looking somewhere deep inside me. 

 

“You okay?” It was simple, and so quiet I wasn’t even sure I heard it. I nodded, and she turned around walking into our classroom seemingly calm and collected. I looked over my shoulder to see Danny picking up her stuff, and Kirsch escorting her down the hall. She looked pissed and I had no doubt this was going to come back around and rear its ugly head. Mr. Benson retreated back to his classroom and to the security of his desk. I followed him inside as the bell rang and sat down in my usual seat. Carmilla was picking at her nails as if nothing had even happened.

 

“Are we going to talk about what just happened orrr?” I drawled out, facing her. She didn’t even look up from what she was doing before responding with a disaffected tone.

 

“What’s there to talk about?” 

 

“You almost got into a fight with Danny. And it was kind of over me? Maybe? That’s what it felt like,” I said, fidgeting a little in my seat. 

 

“I _almost_ always get into a fight with beanstalk about something. It just happened to be you, don’t think into it,”

 

“Okay fair but I don’t know I just thought that-” she looked up at me, eyes searching.

 

“What that because we sat at a coffee shop together I was going to be some knight in shining armor for you? Bring you flowers as a token?”she snapped. It was dismissive and calculated,

“I always fight with Danny, I didn’t do it for you,”  _ Ouch.  _

 

It hurt but not nearly as much as it would have if I hadn’t been paying attention. This was yet another example of everytime I’ve seen Carmilla embarrassed, she gets angry and hurts other people. I had been to enough therapy after my mom to know about coping. She gets angry to push people away because she doesn’t want them to see she’s embarrassed.Part of me doesn’t doubt she gets angry when she’s hurt and afraid too. In the same thought though, Carmilla doesn’t seem the type to be afraid of anything. I thought back to how her eyes looked for an escape route, and then part of it clicked. She lashed out only because she couldn’t hide. When she can escape, she disappears. When she can’t, she lashes out. Being angry at people around her and being a bitch makes people avert their eyes, move away swiftly. And it all comes back to what she really wants. To not be the center of attention. To not be exploited. To not have to be anyone other than herself. 

 

“Carmilla, I-”

“Ms. Hollis if you would kindly turn your attention away from Ms. Karnstein and toward the new lesson I’m about to introduce that would be lovely,” he said sarcastically. Carmilla set her jaw and I turned in my seat toward the front. I still didn’t pay any attention to what he was talking about though. Instead my mind drifted toward after school, what practice was going to be like. Hell on earth brought to yours truly by Danny Lawerance. I didn’t really mind hard practices though, because even just running the track extra would just give me more time to watch football. I had been gradually trying to understand the game over the last couple of days since it seems to be a huge taboo here. Not for any other reasons though. None.

  
  


A football player playfully shoved Carmilla when she walked out of class in front of me.

“Karnstein! You didn’t tell us you were gonna start a fight today!”

“For shame dude, I would have recorded it,”

“Danny didn’t know what was coming,”

 

She shrugged proudly, and I rolled my eyes at her stupid attempt to impress them. I ignored the buzzing chatter scattered through the halls as I begrudgingly made my way away from Carmilla and her stupid big head.

 

“Why the long face frosh?” Lafontaine and Perry joined me on my walk to lunch, clearly concerned at my less than cheerful exterior.

“Danny and Carmilla almost had a fistfight in the hallway today over me,”

Perry’s eyebrows shot up before a smile replaced it quickly. 

“Danny and Carmilla always fight, its like their thing. I’m sure it wasn’t really about you, frosh,”

 

I shook my head. I wasn’t imagining this. I was standing there talking to Danny and trying to see Carmilla. When we locked eyes for that moment I knew what I was mentally asking for her to do. And then she did it. Not quite how I wanted it, but I wanted her to make Danny stop acting the way she was acting. Preferably in a nonviolent sort of way. I relayed it to Laf and Perry, about Carmilla’s obvious shoulder dig and the words they exchanged.

 

“I’m still not convinced, but maybe she does have a thing for you,”

We walked into the loud lunchroom and I trained my eyes on the lines hoping to avoid eye contact with Danny. 

 

“Well Carmilla isn’t here,” Perry said, her curly hair bouncing as she turned her head.

“Probably doing something against the rules with those pea-brains,” Laf countered in a nonchalant way.

“Probably something she didn’t want to do in the first place,” I mumbled.

“What frosh?” The sigh drew from my lips without me even thinking about it.

“Nothing, nothing, let’s just get some food. I’m starving,”

__

 

“Dad?” I called closing the door behind me. No answer. His car was here so he probably walked into town for something. The study room door was partially opened and I walked in dropping my backpack inside. Red ink on my dad’s desk caught my attention. I hadn’t meant to be nosy. It just kind of happened and then all of a sudden I was holding a bill with red stamp on it.  _ First Notice.  _

 

My stomach turned and I put it back as I found it. I grabbed my backpack, dropping it outside my room as I walked toward the bathroom. It wasn’t a secret that we had been having money problems, no matter how much over the past year dad had made an effort to not show it. I would take extra newspapers and leave all the coupons on the counter for when he would go shopping, slip him my lunch money back into his wallet whenever I could. Having the lights stay on seemed worth a rumbling stomach a couple days a week. But I thought when we moved, we had escaped that. Escaped the endless hospital bills, the debt, the pain of the aftermath. This was a new start for us. A smaller, better town. I didn’t know what I was going to do if it got worse. I wasn’t in a high populated area anymore. Stealing from people in a small town is just asking to get caught. And it’s not like they don’t need it too. Everyone needs money. It’s not like the city we came from that had too many wealthy people for my less than steady-hands own good. 

 

But it was a new place. A new leaf. Somewhere I didn’t have to break my moral code for the sake of my family. I felt a burning resentment toward my dad just thinking about it. Putting us in that position. Even though I knew it wasn’t directly his fault I couldn’t help it. I just wanted to not have to constantly worry about if we were going to be okay all the time. I didn’t want to think about coming home from school one day and seeing a letter on our door. I knew that if it gets any worse I would have to figure something out. 

 

When I returned to the office my dad sat at his desk, computer in front of him and stacks of child service folders in front of him. This wasn’t an unusual sight, there were many nights my father would be up later than me reviewing cases. He had a heart for kids. I asked him about why there hadn’t been more after me, and it was a pretty mute point. Once I got a little older my mom had told me that her pregnancy with me was pretty complicated and Dad had wanted to make sure that another pregnancy would put her at risk again. Part of me still expected him to bring home a small child one day, a little brother or sister that needed love and a family. But it never happened… money. The key to everything. 

 

I started my homework gradually working through it and it wasn’t long before I pulled out my phone scrolling through instagram. One of my top recommended was Kirsch. I naturally hit follow and looked through his page. Kirsch’s story popped up at the top. I clicked on it a small part of me hoping Carmilla would somehow be on it. I hadn’t found any social media for her which was mildly annoying for me. I jumped a little as loud shouts came from the video, the team was on their way to an away game today, not nearly as popular as home games. I didn’t see Carmilla the first time through but when I watched it again and continuously kept stopping it at various intervals I saw her dark hair and black beats headphones over her ears. She wasn’t cheering like the others. It looked like she was sitting in a seat by herself, with her eyes closed. Almost like she was trying to block them out.

 

I clicked on Kirsch’s profile again and scrolled through it slowly, stopping every time I saw the brunette. There was one from a bbq, Carmilla looked like she was trying to suppress a smile while Kirsch had hot wing sauce all over his mouth and some parts of his face. She was dressed opposite of how she normally was, wearing american flag shorts and a white tank top. The date said July 4th. Made sense. I kept scrolling. There were some pictures of Kirsch and Danny, Kirsch and another dirty blonde boy who I didn’t recognize. I clicked the tagged people, and clicked on his profile.

 

“will_karns,” I said, talking to myself. My dad swiveled to face me in his chair for a moment. 

“Nothing dad, was talking to myself. Sorry,” I replied quickly, barely looking up from my phone.

 

He didn’t have a bio, but his newest picture was with Carmilla. I remembered back to when we were at the cafe and Carmilla had gotten that phone call. She said she had to go pick up her brother so maybe this was him,  _ It had to be right? _ The latest picture, was both of them in their football uniforms after a game. Carmilla looked disheveled after playing the entire game no doubt. His uniform was a little dirty, his hair tousled and a bright smile. Even Carmilla’s lips were tilted up and she looked off to the side pretending to be annoyed but you could tell she was happy.  _ Following in her footsteps and she’s thrilled.  _ The caption was cute, I looked at the next photo and saw the Silas JV football team, yeah this was definitely coming together. I scrolled through the rest of his instagram, it only having a couple of posts. Most of them with friends, some with Carmilla. I found one more recently, just of Carmilla. Not in her uniform, or in public. But at home. She looked comfortable, wearing sweatpants and a big hoodie. She was sitting on a sofa with her legs criss crossed in front of her and a controller in her hands. Her tongue poking out in concentration and black framed glasses on the bridge of her nose. She wasn’t giving Will a second thought, to focused on what she was doing.  _ A rare sighting of a Carmilla in her natural habitat.  _ A small smile tugged at my lips the more I looked at her messy bun and relaxed body. That was the Carmilla I wanted to know. And when I set my mind to something I make sure I follow through. 

 

I clicked my lock button turning back to my almost completed homework. I wanted to get it done and head to bed early for our home track meet tomorrow that way I was well rested and ready to run my 800. Tomorrow was going to be a good day.

 

__

 

I stretched my legs while listening to SJ and another girl talk about some guy on the football team. I tried to not pay too much attention to them running their practice in the middle of the field knowing that Carmilla was in the center of everything. It made me a little nervous knowing that she was there, watching me.  _ If she even is looking at you, Laura seriously. She might not even like you.  _ They were wrapping up practice so they weren’t hindering our meet, grabbing one more water break before they’re final plays. I bent over stretching my calves, I turned my head to see if we were finished with all our warm up laps only to lock eyes with Carmilla. Well, almost lock eyes. Hers were focused elsewhere. I looked at her a moment longer and finally she tore her eyes over to my face. Her face looked flustered before falling into its usual smirk. Her helmet in hand, she took a quick sip of water, never breaking eye contact with me before pulling her helmet back on and heading back to the field.  _ So she is looking at me.  _ I confirmed. 

 

Danny was off rattling about how the fact that the meet got cleared on our very rough track is beyond her comprehension and it better not come back to bite us in the ass. She was passionate if nothing else. She had barely said two words to me other than to give me mild direction about where to check in and be at a certain time. 

 

Roughly 15 minutes later, the field was cleared and we were all getting ready for our events. The football team took all their stuff to the grass on the outside of the track next to the bleachers. They were organizing pinnes and putting everything where it needed to be. The 1600’s were about to begin. I glanced over at Carmilla, who wasn’t paying any attention to us whatsoever. I looked back to the start where us and two other schools were represented. I stood as an onlooker watching as SJ got in a ready position. The starter gun went off and so did the runners.  SJ and one of the girls from the rival school were pacing with each other for the majority of the first half, SJ started to slow down a bit, conserving her energy no doubt. Slowly but surely the amount of laps started to decrease. From the corner of my eye I could see some of the football team had stayed, including Carmilla. I could see her dark hair and dirty practice shirt from here. SJ was in second place and just crossed the line for her final lap. The cheers picked up, trying to urge her to the front. She was still behind the other girl but not by much. We were standing when they rounded the last corner. A chorus of “Go SJ” and other encouraging shouts were undeniably loud. SJ gave the last burst of speed she had been holding onto since the beginning, crossing the finish line not one step before the other girl. 

 

They called for 800s to start warming up. I finished my stretching quickly taking a warm up lap. When I rounded the last corner, the closest I would be to Carmilla the whole run her attention was unwavering even within just a warm up. I saw the boys messing around, one of them bumping into her and she turned scolding them like a mother to a toddler as her eyes came back toward me. Me and the other runners had a moment to rest before getting in our ready positions. 

 

When the start gun went off everything flew out of my mind and I pushed off with as much might as I could, getting a burst ahead of the other girls. There were cheers fading behind me as I rounded the second corner, pumping my arms and willing my body to move faster. I could hear heavy breathing behind me which fueled me to keep my pace. When I rounded the fourth corner, I forgot about Carmilla and the team completely. My breathing was starting to become rapid, as my muscles began to ache from the speedy pace. The air was thick, hot southern air that seemed to make my lungs stick. I ran past my teammates still screaming their rallying inspiration. I made sure to maintain my pace, keeping my distance in the lead until the last corner giving my muscles the final shred of energy I had left until my foot crossed the line and my body slowed.  _ 3 minutes flat _ . The other runners trailed in behind me. 

 

“Laura! That was an amazing run!” SJ greeted me as I stepped off the track. The rest of the runners that weren’t warming up for the next event congratulated me on my time. 

 

I turned around hoping to see Carmilla and couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling in my chest when she wasn’t there. I shook it off, my attention coming back to my teammates. The smile on my face only partially a lie. Since it was the only event I had to run, the rest of the meet felt like forever as each different event seemed never ending. Finally, when all was said and done and the lights were soon to go off we grabbed our bags and headed out with our victories. SJ, Danny, Natalie, and long jump girl, Betty invited me to go to the diner. We all agreed to meet up after we go home and shower consider it had been a long meet and I think we were all in agreeance that it was for the best so we didn’t ruin the diner with our less than desirable scent.

 

My dad wasn’t home when I walked in the door. Late nights, not a good sign. For as long as I could remember from my childhood my father was always home in time for dinner. That was until Mom got sick, then his shifts ran later and later, trying to compensate for the extra expenses. I shook it from my mind, and headed out as soon as I was ready. 

 

The 15 minute walk wouldn’t be too bad. It was still quite warm despite the fact the sun had gone down. I had on some smaller athletic shorts and an oversized t-shirt with my very underrated Birkenstocks. I passed the cafe taking a peek through the window and again felt a small amount of disappointment washed through me. I ignored it, internally grumbling to myself about my hopeless wiles as I continued on until I was walking through the door of the diner. I smiled at the person at the front desk, and headed down the aisle of booths and tables toward the street side where I could see three heads of hair. I controlled myself from rolling my eyes as my mind flashed back to yesterday. They looked up at me and smiled as I slid into the booth next to SJ quickly plucking a fry from the plate in front of her. 

 

“Hey!” SJ pulled her plate closer to her, using her arms to block it from view. Betty smiled.

“Steal another one, you deserve it after that 800 time,” 

I jokingly reached over SJ’s arms stealing another as quickly as I can. Her reflexes weren’t that sharp and I lifted it towards my mouth in triumph. Danny reached over and swatted it out of my hand. I watched it skitter across the diner floor before looking at Danny. 

“Dude what the hell?”

 

“Honestly Laura? You’re allergic to peanuts! What about peanut oil? The fries are probably fried in them, and you already ate one! Are you feeling okay?” She rambled everything off rapidly and I did my best to push down my bubbling annoyance. 

 

“I’ve come here with my dad before and we obviously checked. I’m not a child,” I stated bitterly. I felt SJ shift next to me uncomfortably. Betty had frozen entirely next to Danny.  _ Why was I even here? I wanted to spend time with SJ and Betty and grow new friendships but I couldn’t deal with Danny. All these infuriating interactions that I didn’t understand.  _

 

“I didn’t know if you knew, I just wanted to help and make sure you weren’t endangering yourself. Given your recent friend choices one might think you have a knack for it,”

 

“Can we not just enjoy our food without you bitching about her once? Contrary to what you think she isn’t the only thing we can talk about,” It was sour, but it had to be said.

“And we’ve had like two conversations so don’t act like she’s my best friend because I’m pretty sure she hates me anyway,” I finished.

 

 I felt like every other conversation we have is somehow involving Carmilla. And it’s not like I don’t like her, I do but I'm my own person with my own interests and it doesn’t have to involve Carmilla every moment of every day. 

“Okay fine, you’re right,” she muttered, a little defeated. The waitress came back to take my order, I stuck with a salad. My meal reflecting just about how basic this entire interaction has been. The conversation was light, and boring. Mostly of school or boys, both topics causing my eyes to roll.

“You know what? Can we go do something fun?” Betty said suddenly, completely cutting off Danny from what she was talking about. Not that I was listening to whatever it was though.

“What kind of fun?” SJ leaned over the table a little bit obviously intrigued. 

“A race,” A smirk landed on her lips that implied there was more to that then a simple race. 

“I’m wearing birks, if you think I can run in these-”

“Just take them off, you’ll be fine,” 

“A race to the track, last place has to jump off the docks naked,” Betty wiggled her eyebrows at the last word. I leaned down looking under the table at everyone else's shoes. Danny still had running shoes, but she was a distance runner, SJ had on flip flops which she would have to take off, and Betty had crocs. So the only mildly prepared person was Danny. 

“We’re racing from here?” I asked. I gently slid myself over toward the end of the booth just a little. Head starts matter.

“Yeah,” She looked over my head to the clock, “When the second hand hits 12, we go,”

SJ was smiling, and even Danny looked a little excited. We dropped plenty of money on the table and watched the hand tick down, second by second.I took off my birks and held them in my hand. I readied myself to push out of the booth and tear through the door. I was planning on hopping the ramp. I burst out of my seat the second hand ticked on the 12. I was out the door with Danny hot on my heels. I jumped the ramp running down the street. My heart thumping in my ears. The sticky southern air feeling cool while I ran through the darkness. I could hear running behind me. And then I didn’t. I kept running refusing to be tricked into losing. I got to the intersection for the school and hung a right sprinting down toward the main entrance, and then running around the side. I could see the lights over the field lit up and it urged me on. Once I broke around the building I could see Danny and Betty already at the gate, how I had no idea. And out of the corner of my eye seemingly flying across the back parking lot had to be SJ. I could barely see her against the cover of night. She got closer and we sprinted through the gate onto the track side by side. 

“SJ lost,” I said, gasping a little

“No way, I was a step in front,” she countered, putting her hands on her head to open up her lungs.

Danny and Betty looked at each other,

“I don’t know I guess you should both do it,” 

“Are you kidding? I totally won that!” I practically yelled

“As if Hollis, I was on your ass the whole time,” she rolled her eyes playfully.

I gave a short forced laugh, “You wish you were that fast, stick to your distance running,” I joked back, doubling over a little. 

“How about rock, paper, scissors?” Betty paused, “Best two out of three,”

“Fine,” I grumbled. Stupid bet. SJ stood in front of me, holding out her hands, ready. I mimicked her. 

“Rock...Paper…Scissors, shoot!” 

I stared at SJ’s hand in the form of a rock, and mine, scissors. Betty made an ooo sound clearly enjoying every second of this. We reset.

“Rock...Paper…Scissors, shoot!” 

SJ jumped up and down and a loud groan came from my throat. 

“You’re kidding,” I deadpanned.

“Hollis, you shouldn’t always go scissors it's too obvious,” Betty scolded me with a light laugh in her tone. My eyes rolled. 

“I totally won the race, I don’t actually have to do this do I?” 

Danny shrugged, “Those were the rules, Hollis.”

“Fine, I will girl the hell up only because I’m not a quitter,”

 

A few minutes later of walking much further behind the school into a wooded park and the water was surprisingly cold. I felt grateful that they at least keep my bra and underwear on, because jumping in unknown water naked seemed a bit much for me. They laughed and so did I. Never did I imagine this when I moved here. But it was comforting in a way. I had friends, goofy, crazy, ridiculous friends. I saw a beam of light scatter across the ground and then up to Danny’s face. A flashlight. 

 

“Oh shit,” left Betty’s mouth before she took off in the opposite direction of the light.

“Hey! What are you kids doing over there?” It was an authoritative man’s voice, one who I definitely didn’t want to see in my current state. Danny and SJ were following suit as they took off. I heard the crunching of a pair of boots come closer and I ducked under the water, swimming to the docks edge, just out of view. The boots echoed on the old wood and it creaked under the weight. I dipped my head under as quietly as I could, taking a deep breath. I looked up through the erie glow of the greenish water, the light shining around on the top of the water. I could hear his muffled voice before the light disappeared, and I let myself return to the surface. I poked my head just over the dock, my eyes even with the ground, searching. My ears listening for any sign of him, only to be met with cricket chirps, and frogs hidden from view. I pulled myself out of the water and onto the dock, trying to make as little sound as I could. My arms crossed my mid section as I walked closer to the opening that led back to the park. 

A small staggered scream escaped my lips as someone rounded the wooded edge, coming to walk onto the dock, and the other person jumped back seemingly just as alarmed as I was. The darkness made it nearly impossible to see their face. 

“What the hell?!” They screamed.  _ I knew that voice.  _

“Carmilla?” I said, confused, getting a little closer to see.

“Cupcake? What the hell are you doing on a dock in the middle of the woods this late scaring the shit out of me?!” her voice was strained, I could practically hear her heart beating in her words. She blinked, I could barely see her dark eyes but I felt them on me.

“And where are your clothes?” That comment was much more relaxed but still pinched. 

I deep blush rolled up my chest and into my cheeks. I was thankful that the night covered it, but wish it could cover a little more. I was becoming increasingly insecure knowing I was standing in front of Carmilla in almost nothing and she was trying to be a little polite turning away slightly.

“Uh-I- It’s kind of a long story… you didn’t happen to see my clothes on your way over did you?”

She pulled her phone out, turning back toward the dirt ground and away from me, shining the light. It stopped on my light blue t-shirt and black shorts. She reached down carefully, grabbing them and handing them toward me not looking. The sight almost made me want to laugh. After all of her flirtatious comments, Carmilla is the last girl I’d expect to be respectful of people's privacy. I grabbed them from her hand and slipped my shirt over my head. As I pulled my shorts up, I looked at her back waiting patiently. There was no way she could see anything but she was pretending to keep herself busy. 

“You can turn around now,” she shifted back toward me. The moon had broken through the clouds and I could see the light glow casting on her face. My arms folded around my midsection again, and my feet felt a little colder against the wood of the dock. 

 

“Um, were there shoes over there?” She searched around, pulling out her flashlight one more time.

 

“Doesn’t look like it,” she said, her eyes finding mine. 

 

“Did you see a cop run through here?” Her eyebrows raised slightly,

 

“What kind of trouble have you been getting yourself into?” 

 

“I don’t get myself into anything, I had a stupid bet with Danny, SJ, and Betty, and I lost. I had to jump into the lake naked,” I didn’t think there was room for her eyebrows to go any higher.

 

“Well don’t let me interrupt,” she put her hands up innocently, backing away a little. 

 

“Shut up. I persuaded them to let me keep  _ something _ on. What are you doing here in the middle of the night anyway?”

 

She stepped out onto the dock a little more, looking over the water. It looked blackish in the dark with nothing but a small reflection of a crescent moon. Beautiful with sharp edges, kinda like Carmilla. And with her standing underneath it, it was something I would definitely remember. Her head tilted up, exposing her jawline and the shadows accenting her cheekbones. 

“I like to look at the stars from here, it’s special,” she paused, taking a small shaky breath as if her lungs might give out from the words that come next, “My father used to bring me here with a telescope, charcoal and a sketchbook, I don’t draw much anymore though,” There was a sadness in her voice. A loss. One I knew all too well. I swallowed the sorry that had begun to form in my throat, sorry’s never did anything for me. 

“How long ago?” I asked gently, not really expecting an answer.

“I was 14, car accident,” her hand absently hovered over her hip.  _ She was in the car.  _ She probably had seen her father. Seen him in a way no daughter should have to. Broken, bruised, defeated. There was a similarity there. A parallel. Between what Carmilla had seen and what my father had been like. Broken, bruised, defeated. Except he didn’t die. Well maybe a part of him did.

 

I felt something stir deeper inside me. A little bravery. Like Carmilla had opened the door to a cage I had been keeping so carefully guarded. Giving me the freedom to let go for a moment. To find solace in another person, to not have to hold everything alone just for a small closing window. 

 

“Cancer,” I said simply, my voice cracking a bit. Her head turned toward me and away from her beloved stars. She didn’t say anything but she didn’t need to.

 

“She got sick a little over a year ago, it happened really fast. She died in November last year,” I finished, head drooping a little. My eyes found hers after a moment. Dark and intense.

“Does it get better?” I sniffled lightly. A small smile pulled at her lips. It was sad but her eyes were twinkling. 

 

“I didn’t think so but I’m starting to think maybe I was wrong,” my breath caught in my throat for a moment, an actual smile on her lips. It was easy and kind. It wasn’t small or hidden, it was a loving, happy smile. And it was for me.  

 

“Thanks, Carm,” It was soft and quiet, barely a whisper above the echoing of the crickets and the water lapping gently. I turned to leave, stopping after a thought crossed my mind. 

“Hey Carm?” She looked at me, “I don’t know where I’m going…”

 

“You’re killin’ me, Hollis,” 


	7. Apathy is My Thing Cupcake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla walks Laura home, kinda? It doesn't go as well as she would have hoped and that leads to some trouble in Carmilla's near future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO MY WONDERFUL HUMANS! I have returned from the depths of college work load, athletics and surgery and I am ALIVE! It was actually quite beneficial to have a couple days off after surgery and then thanksgiving break because I got to spend lots of me time in my room being creative and finishing this up for my fav peeps! I apologize for the month of no updates BUT I hope I more than made up for it in word count because this baby is almost 10k words which is kinda wild, and I almost didn't stop but I wanted to make sure I got the update out today! 
> 
> It's mostly proof read by the amazing thatwickedorzian but sometimes we miss stuff so sorry about any little mistakes! Just let me know and I will totes fix it! 
> 
> ENJOY FRIENDS <3

“You’re killing me, Hollis,” I said dipping my head, walking toward her. I stopped next to her, extending my arm out toward the way we should go.

 

“After you,” It had a sarcastic subtlety that earned a smile from Laura.

 

 A few steps and we were walking on an asphalt walkway. We walked in silence for a little before Laura started talking, as always. I swear this girl’s brain must never stop running, just like her mouth. 

“Sorry for making you have to walk me back, I haven’t been in Silas long enough to be able to walk around in the dark just yet,” I quirked a brow side eyeing her.

“Just yet? Are you planning to run around in the woods naked on the regular soon?” I teased. She leaned over bumping me with her shoulder, and I took a stumbling step off the path tripping a little. The laugh rumbled through my chest unintentionally and when I looked up she was watching me with a type of fondness in her eyes. 

 

“Shut up you know what I mean,” I nodded, a coy smile forming. Laura let out a painful yelp next to me, instantly causing the smile to slip.

“What’s wrong?” a small waver in my voice. My eyes flickered over her body looking for a sign of injury. 

 

“Ow, ow, ow! That hurt,” she reached down grabbing her foot, with one hand and grabbing my shoulder to steady herself with the other. 

“Did you step on something?” She rubbed the bottom of her foot before hesitantly putting it back on the ground.

 

“Yeah, and it hurt,” she reiterated. Her eyes flickered to her hand still on my shoulder. I kind of liked the weight of it though, which I found odd. I normally despise when people touch me. Kirsch and Will being the only two exceptions. Mother never was very warm, or well, motherly. So I didn’t really understand growing up seeing other little kids hug their moms. I didn’t see the point. The only time my Mother embraced me in a way that could be considered loving was at my father’s funeral. Other than that any other time she laid a hand on me it wasn’t exactly an act of love. But Laura, it was an innocent touch that made me wonder what hugging her could be like. She removed her hand, and a quick thought popped through my mind, making my heart beat a little faster. 

 

“I could carry you,” I suggested carefully. _Thin ice here, Carmilla. You’re not being very subtle. There’s really nothing subtle about offering to carry a girl with no shoes. It’s not a romance thing, it's a she doesn’t have shoes thing._

“You know, because you don’t have shoes,” I added quickly, suddenly feeling insecure.

She seemed a little caught off guard, surprise flashing across her face. I felt as equally as surprised that I let the thought leave the confines of my head. My shoulders slouched a little seeing the answer on her dimly lit face. 

 

“I can manage, Carmilla. Thanks though,” she said. She focused on me for a moment, as if reading my thoughts easily. 

“I would hate to make your arms tired, and then be the reason you throw horribly for your game friday,” she smiled at the end and it made something in me flutter.

 

  _Ugh. Pull it together Carmilla._ She started walking, leaving me in my place for a moment as I watched her. Her hair still wet, despite the darkness I could see a drop, shine in the dim light and fall from the end of her hair and land on the back of her calve. The drop of water rolled across her flawless skin, drawing my eyes to her well toned legs. I scanned up her torso knowing the toned stomach that lied beneath the large t shirt. 

 

“Carmilla?” I met her eyes, and coughed lightly, composing myself quickly trying to shake the heat climbing my chest. “Eyes up here,” It seemed a bit cocky and I couldn’t have that.

I shrugged, “thought I saw a spider.” Her face deadpanned, and her hands started rapidly brushing off her clothing. She shook her shirt, spinning around trying to look. My cheeks started hurting just from watching, but once I caught a glance at the distress on her face my laugh caused her to stop dead. She froze looking at me and her bugged eyes and flustered state had me grinning ear to ear. 

 

“You’re the worst,” she pouted.

“That’s what they tell me” I teased, walking again and she followed quickly, falling into step beside me. I felt her looking up at me, and my lips tilted upward knowing she was about to say something.

 

“It’s nice,” I looked at her, “seeing you laugh, I mean. You don’t do that at school,”

I smirked, “Have you been keeping tabs on me at school?” A light breeze shook through the trees, a couple leaves falling in front of us as we walked. She opened her mouth no doubt a clever comeback, but the words never came out. A beam of light came from behind us, and Laura’s eyes went wide.

 

“Laura, we didn’t do anything wrong,” I said quickly. She gave me a look of disbelief.

“We’re trespassing! After 9pm, it’s illegal to be here,” it was insistent and rushed. As if we had to choose what we wanted to do. I thought it would be stupid and unnecessary to run.

 

“You kids can’t be in here!” I had already set my feet, prepared to talk to the officer. A warmth wrapped around my hand before harshly tugging me into a run.

“Why are we running?” I questioned. My tone seemed annoyed but I knew that if she had my hand I would follow.

“Where’s your sense of adventure, Carmilla?” I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t like running from cops when I don’t have to,” His boots were heavy, crunching behind us. Egging my legs to go faster, I was now leading.

“I said stop!” The voice behind us was quickly becoming winded, and I could almost hear him huffing. 

I was lucky I knew the park so well or we would have been screwed. I pulled Laura along, bearing toward the right, the light behind us was further behind but not by much. We got to an eight foot fence, it separated the park property from the very back of the school’s property. Laura looked at me quizzingly, 

 

“Cmon! Where’s your sense of adventure?” She pursed her lips at me before grabbing onto the fence and climbing. I did my best to not stare at her ass as she climbed but hey, I’m only human. She was already climbing onto the other side as I started making my way up. I heard the cop behind me, and felt him grab a fistful of my shirt ripping me off the fence and to the ground. 

 

“Carm!” I scrambled to my feet wretching out of the cop’s grasp, sprinting off toward the main exit.

  
  


“Freeze kid, I mean it you’re in a shitload of trouble,” it was closer but not close enough. 

 

“See you later Cupcake!” I yelled while I tore ass across the field. The cop was on my heels, he’d gotten up faster than I’d expected. I peeked over my shoulder to see his arm extending toward me. In a quick attempt to move away from him I slipped over the damp grass sliding through a bit of mud. It had rained just this afternoon. It was the heavy, quick rain.  I felt little specs land on my face, and both my arms were covered, as I pushed myself up. The officer gave a huff getting back to his feet but I was already running again. My legs were carrying me further and further away from the cop. And after a few minutes of running like that his flashlight was far behind me and I slowed as I walked out of the main exit and onto the sidewalk.

 

 I hoped that Laura had recognized how close she was to the stadium and had came back up toward the school. I couldn’t help that my feet carried me that way just to check on her. It was so unlike me. I didn’t care about girls, or their opinions of me. Or really anyone’s opinion of me. I felt silly chasing after a girl like this, it felt needy. _Was I being clingy?_ I scolded myself for wanting to go find her and I almost started walking home, but a bigger part of me had to make sure she was okay. The mud was starting to dry. I could feel it cracking along my skin, little parts flaking off. I brushed at my arms, getting as much as I could, but I was still unbelievably dirty. 

 

I was behind the school, walking through the back senior parking lot. I was about to walk toward the stadium, to look for Laura. To walk her home. I crossed the pavement, looking over my shoulder ever couple of minutes to make sure that a cop didn’t tackle me out of nowhere. When I reached the fence of the football field, I pulled out my lighter playing with it hoping Laura would come along. Of course there was a possibility I missed her, considering my detour, but I was willing to wait. I flicked the lighter for what felt like the hundredth time watching it flicker and then die by the subtle nightly wind. I waited a bit longer and somewhere in my mind I started to get a little anxious. There wasn’t much room in my direction for her to get lost which made me wonder where she was. The likelihood of her being home was high but a small part of me that was skeptical made me nervous. Her house wasn’t that far of a walk… and that’s not crazy or anything, I just want to make sure she’s okay. As a friend? Schoolmate? I didn’t really know where we stood. 

 

The entire walk through town I thought of what me and Laura actually were, were we friends? I had opened up a little to her, and she had to me. I can’t say that about a lot of other people from school. And it felt wrong to just call her a classmate because none of my classmates know about my dad and the stars, but Laura did. There was something about her that drew the parts I normally hid toward the surface, and for the first time in a long time I was actually okay with it. A gentle smile pulled at my lips just thinking of her. I had just cleared the last building of the main strip when my eyes couldn’t help but roll. Of course Danny Lawerance just _happened_ to be walking around town late on a Wednesday night in the _same_ place I was. Talk about bad luck. 

 

Her hands were clenched even though she was still a couple steps away from me, and in return I put mine up in surrender. The last thing I wanted to deal with right now was Danny frickin’ Lawerance. I was going to walk past her without saying anything. _For once._ She slammed her shoulder into me as I passed and I turned tiredly. 

 

“What do you want Danny?” she looked at me with a bitchy grin and steel cut eyes. She took a step closer. 

 

“Where are you goin’?” She tilted her head with false curiosity and words stuck in my throat. I couldn’t just tell her I was going to Laura’s… could I? She raised her eyebrows at me urging me to answer. She looked over my shoulder to where Laura’s house was, and looked back at me with accusing eyes. 

 

“You stalking Laura or something?” she spat at me. My face scrunched,

 

“What are yo- no of course not. I found her in the park _alone_ after you left her there, I was just going to see if she made it home alright,” my hands were tight fists and my cheeks were burning. Danny let out a cruel dry laugh.

 

“Yeah she made it home just fine, _I_ made sure of it which is a lot more to say than you,”

 

“Danny why don’t you just shut your mouth for once and go pick on a giant your own size?”

 

“Shut _my_ mouth? You have a lot of nerve for all the bullshit you spread about everyone else Karnstein,”

 

“I do not not run my mouth-” She cut me off, screaming in my face.

 

“-yes you do! I know you do! You walk around with some kind of entitlement thinking you’re better than everyone else like the rules don’t apply to you, well news flash you aren’t better than any of us,”

 

I pinched the bridge of my nose, a headache building. I just didn’t really understand Danny’s level of anger with me. We were never friends but we were at least civil because of Kirsch and then out of nowhere last year this rivalry just sparked. I had tried to reconcile with her but she wanted no parts and was never clear what she really hated me for. I chalked it up to some internal hurt that she was dealing with and lashing out, I knew plenty about that but it just didn’t line up. 

 

I put my hands up, turning around to walk home, “I’ve had enough,”

 

Danny’s steps were heavy behind me, I felt her grip my arm and spin me, “You don’t just get to walk away, what do you want with Laura? I mean, really, no bullshit, what do you want with her?” Her voice was still just as sharp as a needle but held a genuinely curiosity.

 

I huffed, breathing for a moment my eyes wandering around, “Is it so hard to believe that I might like her?” Danny searched for the lie, and her lips pursed when she found none. I was telling the truth, which surprised a part of me. That I actually _maybe_ liked Laura Hollis. The nerdy, talkative, all too passionate new girl. The cupcake who bothers me about my english homework, and acts like she cares about football just to have something to talk to me about. Her honey brown eyes that sparkled when I teased her. 

 

“Karnstein actually liking a girl, never thought I’d see the day,” she paused looking back toward Laura’s house before meeting my eyes, “I’ll consider this justice, but have _you_ really not realized she doesn’t like you?” A small pain in my chest, created a little hollow in my throat. 

 

“That’s not true, she-” I started, my voice cracking a little. Danny had a pitying smile on her lips. 

 

“She what? Flirted with you a little, and you read into it and then you, we’re going to what? Try and swoop in and steal the girl? She told me herself, Karnstein, but you can go hear it from her if you want,” she stepped aside gesturing me to walk to Laura’s. I felt my eyes burning a bit, and hoped Danny couldn’t have the satisfaction of seeing in the dark. Her other hand reached out to touch my arm,

 

“Hey,” I swatted her hand away from me turning and walking home. 

 

Emotions swarmed my head. Anger at Danny. Reckless for letting Laura in, knowing the damage it could cause. Foolish that I was stupid enough to think she was actually interested in me. _Lonely_ . It sunk deeper than the rest. Every other feeling was in my head but loneliness found its home in my very being. I felt something roll off my chin, and I brought my hand up, feeling an all too familiar wetness on my cheeks. I pulled my hand back, the tears glistening over my skin with a tint of brown from the mud. I remembered feeling the coolness of the mud splatter onto my face, I must have looked like a fool. Standing there covered in mud, searching for a girl who wasn’t lost. Wanting a girl who didn’t want me.The sunshine she carries with her is magnetic, it felt natural to be drawn to her. But desperation leaves you with disappointment. Her warm eyes were like a refuge. Her smile was like a spell and I was maddeningly trapped. I would tell her everything if she asked me. I felt anger at myself boil in my chest for thinking such absurd thoughts. For letting my emotions control me. And I was risking to let her in because of what? A pretty face and a sob story? Was my heart really worth this distraction? Everytime I’m around her my body feels like fire and yet everytime I’m left to walk home alone. She’s fleeting, and she takes the joy when she’s gone, leaving me with nothing but regrets. She cracks me open and all my stupid, messy hopes come tumbling out, of somedays, and maybes. How is that fair? To her? To me? It isn’t. Just because my heart was ready to leap from my chest into her hands doesn’t mean my head wasn’t straight. _She’s not anything special. She’s just a girl. There’s nothing there. There’s nothing there. You always leave empty handed with nothing to show for your vulnerability. Your love is one-sided._

 

There was a hollow lump in my throat, and I took a small gasp of air trying to keep from crying, failing as they rolled down my face.

 

 I felt my phone buzz. I was accustomed to ignoring it but I needed a distraction. I finally was walking home, and I needed to stop crying. 

 

**Kirsch: I don’t understand this homework, can u help a bro out?**

**Kirsch: Wait! I got it!**

**Kirsch: No.. no i didn’t i still need help.**

**Kirsch: You okay?**

 

My fingers began moving, with a frown plastered on my face.

 

**Me: No.**

**Me: I’m having a bit of a shit night.**

 

Kirsch was probably the only person besides Will that I could actually admit how I was feeling without feeling ashamed of it. We had been friends ever since I joined football when I was 8. A lot of the other boys obviously didn’t like me but Kirsch was different. Even through the whole boys “cooties faze” where none of them wanted to be near me, Kirsch would sit next to me everyday. And when they hit the whole picking on me faze, Kirsch was always there to stand up for me. It made his life harder than it would have been without having me as a best friend. He got in plenty of scraps with other guys making comments, more than just one or two bloody noses. As we got older he got bigger and I got tougher, and it didn’t happen as often, my team started to accept me. But Kirsch had been there for everything, as far as I was concerned he was just as much as my brother as Will. 

 

I could see my house down the street, a light on in Mother’s office. _Maybe she’s asleep._  I thought hopefully. I stopped on my porch looking down at the mud covering my body. Even though it was dried it was quite evident that I was dirty. Dirt didn’t have a place in our home. Then again, the majority of the time it didn’t feel like I did either. I took a deep breath, my hand steady on the handle as I twisted. I stepped inside, carefully closing the door behind me and locking it. Mother’s study door was shut, which meant she was probably still in there working away the night like some kind of robot. I walked quietly to the kitchen grabbing a glass of water before heading back toward the stairs. I nearly jumped out of my skin when my mother turned the corner and met me at the base of the steps. 

 

“You’re back quite late,” her eyes drug down my body, a twist of sick disapproval hovering over her, “and you’re filthy,”  She stood with her arms crossed, her matching pajama set still looked like some kind of silk suit she could wear into an office and still be well dressed. 

 

“I’m sorry, I was walking and I cut through a grass area and I fell,” Her eyes didn’t hold hostility or even anger, maybe annoyance but nothing else. She was studying my face before she reached out slowly. Her hand brushed my cheek where there were surely streaks in the mud from my crying. I prayed just once she minded her own business and I pleaded it in my head. After a moment of standing there, and some begging eye contact,

 

“Well, I suppose you should go get cleaned up and to bed,” I opened my mouth, gesturing to the dirt on the floor, she shook her head, “I can clean this up, it looks like you’ve had a hard enough night, Good night Mircalla,” She dismissed me and I ran up the stairs quickly. 

 

It was a curious thing, mother’s actions. She wasn’t always a bad mother, just not a very nice one. It felt like her, Will and I coexisted rather than we were her own blood. I had also noticed in my many years in this house that Mother’s mood is dependent on many things, and if she’s happy or at least a little, she is much more sympathetic or as sympathetic as she can be. On the other hand, if work, or dating life is falling through, if Will and I aren’t doing well in school, her mood can get very sour and very harsh. It’s a game of touch and go with her. You never know what you’re going to get, which always leaves me on my toes. One thing I was sure of tonight: I was thankful that she was in a good mood. 

 

When I walked out of the bathroom freshly showered and in pajamas it took everything in me not to scream watching figure crawl through my window.

 

“Kirsch!” I scolded him quietly, closing my bedroom door. “What the hell are you doing here? And we’ve talked about you climbing in my window! It’s terrifying!”

 

He smiled with his goofy grin, “I figured you could use a friend, and,” he held up his backpack, “I still need help with the math homework,” I smiled at him, extremely thankful for his friendship. 

 

I thought back to the last time he had climbed in my window, finding a very broken version of who I was today. With a bruised cheek and I couldn’t stop crying. I locked my door and shouted at Will to leave me alone. I blamed him back then, he had been the one to slip to Mother about what I had been doing. And when I came home and Mother exploded like I had never seen before. Will had called Kirsch in a panic hearing my sobs through the door and Kirsch climbed up our drain pipe and lattice on the side of the house knocking on my window. He sat with me all night, talking to me, taking care of me like best friends do. Even though that night was hell on earth, it made me sure of one thing: I trusted Kirsch with my life. 

 

I grabbed his backpack from him sitting at my desk, “Come on you puppy,” I rolled my eyes and he sat in the chair next to me as I launched into an explanation of geometry.

 

I drug my feet through the halls walking to class with my headphones in. I ignored my teammates, and basically everybody. I was tired and had barely slept, explaining math to Kirsch wasn’t exactly easy work. He had wandered into Will’s room a little after midnight and I stayed up, not being able to fall asleep. I felt exhausted emotionally from running a nonstop marathon in my head of overthinking and rationalizing. I had become acutely aware of my desperation for connection and was ready to fall into the background of an ordinary day at Silas Highschool. I didn’t want to be seen today. 

 

I loathed going to english today, and did my best to ignore Laura as she rustled through her backpack as I passed. The bell rang as soon as I sat down which was lucky for me, I wouldn’t have to endure a conversation with her. How embarrassing would that be? I don’t think I could survive it, honestly. Thankfully, I had worn my hair down today, which allowed me to hide my headphones effectively not paying any attention to the lesson. I doodled in my notebook to kill time, doing my best to avoid looking up at Laura. I was doing just fine in my own little world, until Laura tapped on my notebook. My eyes looked up at her concerned face and then to Mr. Benson standing over me impatiently. I tried my best to look like I was fixing my hair as I pulled an earbud out and looked expectantly at Mr. B.

 

“Yes?” His face was pretty red and it was evident to me he was aware that I hadn’t been paying attention, and that maybe giving him attitude as my first acknowledgement of his existence today was the wrong move.

 

“Carmilla, do you know anything of what I’ve been talking about for the past 20 minutes?” I had no idea and I knew if I tried to lie he would ask me for an explanation I wouldn’t be able to give. With all eyes on me I had to tell the truth.

 

“Honestly? No I haven’t heard a single word that has come out of your mouth and I would have preferred to keep it like that until you so rudely interrupted me,” The class oo-ed as I smirked confidently, already closing my notebook, knowing where this was headed. Laura stifled her laugh the best she could, and Mr. Benson looked like he could slap me. 

 

“Principal's office, now!” I let out a dry laugh grabbing my notebook and backpack.

 

“Whatever you say, teach,” I snarked as I walked toward the door.

 

“Apathy does not equate a personality, Carmilla!” He shouted after me. I turned, my eyes skimming across Laura’s frowning face for only a moment.

 

“Not with that attitude,” I slammed the door as I entered the hallway wandering down to the principal's office.

 

 I greeted the secretary as I passed toward the office, knocking politely even though the door was open and I could see the dark haired woman leaning over her desk, green eyes focused on some spreadsheets. She looked up at my knock, a knowing smile landing on her lips, gesturing for me to sit. 

 

“Carmilla,” she said curtly, organizing her sheets into a pile and sitting them aside. 

 

“Ms. Luthor,” I replied, she folded her hands on her desk in front of her as I sat my backpack on the ground. 

 

“I was getting used to not seeing you every day, you know?” she raised an eyebrow. I leaned back on the seat,

 

“Well, we know that Mr. Benson isn’t the most tolerating of me,” It had been a while since I had been in her office and somethings were moved to new places. Some new pictures of her and a blonde woman. 

 

“I don’t think Mr. Benson is the problem considering you enjoy antagonizing him,”

 

I shrugged, “Yeah well he’s easy to piss off,” she pursed her lips, green eyes searching mine.

 

“What’s really going on Carmilla?”

 

“Nothing,” I said a little too quickly, which earned me a knowing look.

 

“You always act out when something is going on, we’ve talked about this before,” My eyes wandered around her office again, feeling like the room was a bit bigger since it was painted an earthy green rather than a sterile white. Her white desk standing out in contrast. She had multiple stacks of papers, budgets, spreadsheets, little pieces of metal that she seemed to tinker with. 

  
“Carmilla?” she tried again, my eyes meeting hers. Principle Luthor was nice enough, she rarely gave me any actual punishment but would really talk to me. One of the only people in this building who cared about outside influences on behavior. 

 

“Look, no disrespect Principle L but I really don’t need a therapy session right now,” I admitted as I let out a deep breath. She nodded in understanding,

 

“I’m not going to punish you, Carmilla but can you please just try to be respectful- scratch that, decent to your teachers please?” she looked at me expectantly for a moment. I rolled my eyes and mumbled a _fine._  

 

“Thank you, now why don’t you head back to class?” she reached for her spreadsheets again.

 

I sat up, shifting uncomfortably for a second. She watched me, my mouth trying to shape some form of excuse to not go back. She grabbed a stack of files from behind her, handing them to me. 

 

“There’s only about twenty minutes left anyway, why don’t you go file these for me and we’ll consider your punishment paid?” I grasped the files, firmly, pulling them to my chest. 

 

“Thanks,” I said simply, heading out of her office and down to the file room. This wasn’t the first time filing was considered “punishment” for me. The truth was I really didn’t mind it, and it worked out if anyone asked Principle Luthor that I had some type of repercussions for my actions. 

 

I had bounced in and out of her office since my freshman year, everything from sassing teachers, to fist fights. She had invested a fair amount of time in getting to know me, and mentoring me. She was probably one of the most consistent people I’ve ever had in my life in a sort of mentorship role. She was a really successful business woman in the big city not to far from here. Her and her wife live there, where Principle Luthor runs LCorp and her wife is some sort of journalist or something. 

 

The bell rang for lunch, I stopped in her office to grab my backpack and head to meet Kirsch. 

 

“Carmilla,” she called for me, “remember, decent yes?” I nodded, heading out. 

 

I opened the door into the hallway and Kirsch was walking past toward the lunch room. He gave me a look questioning what I had gotten myself into.

 

“Benson was having a pissy day,” I explained, causing Kirsch to laugh.

 

“Was he having a pissy day before or after you were a smartass to him?” I smirked a little, looking up at him.

 

“...after,” I said laughing, “He should have known better, but then again he likes coming after me,”

 

“What did Laura think of your little stunt?” My face immediately fell into a grimace,

 

“What’s that have to do with anything?” I snapped lightly, he held up his hands.

  
“You like to act out when you’re upset and I just don’t think it’s a coincidence you did it in the class you and little nerd hottie have together,” 

 

I bumped into his shoulder, as a kid shuffled past me roughly. Over the sea of people moving toward the lunch room, I could see two gingers and a blonde, immediately knowing who they were. I turned to Kirsch,

 

“You know I’m not really that hungry I think I’m just going to go study,” He looked at me confused,

“But its chicken finger day?”

 

“Yeah I know, I’m just not hungry Kirsch, I’ll see you later dude,” I turned back the way we came. I walked downstairs toward the library. I found a table at the back of the quiet room, and pulled out my headphones along with my book. 

 

I read through the majority of lunch and past when I heard the bell for the next class, it was a perk having a free period to do as I pleased. The library was almost always empty and always open. I urged my eyes to focus back on my book when my mind wandered to Laura. I couldn’t shake this girl. It was so unlike me, and granted I wasn’t a player despite my “reputation”. I had kissed a few people, sure, but never anything beyond that. I knew my worth and wasn’t going to waste it on some high school cheerleader who didn’t bother to know the real me. But then again, nobody really bothered anyway. Well, Laura, or so I thought. 

 

I turned my head when I saw Lafontaine enter the library, they were looking right at me, and walked straight up to my table. I rolled my eyes as they sat across from me, looking at me with determined eyes. I dramatically pulled a headphone out. 

  
“How can I help you Lafon-brain?” I said sickly sweet through gritted teeth. They smiled at me like a toddler who was scolded to play nice. 

 

“Laura is a chicken and wanted to know how you were,” they said leaning over and pulling out their homework.

 

“What are you doing?” I gripped the edges of my book. 

 

They shrugged, “Is the library not for homework?” My body jumped at them dropping the book onto the table loudly. 

 

A disapproving huff should have been enough of a response.

 

“So should I tell her you’re good?” My face scrunched up, trying to read.

 

“What do I care what you tell the cupcake,” It was cold, and disinterested. Everything I needed it to be. 

 

“Charming,” they snipped, “Your disaffected attitude might fool a lot of people Karnstein, even me sometimes I’ll admit but I’ve seen some heroic jock crap to know you aren’t as broody and spoiled as everyone may think,” I ignored them and continued reading. They drummed their fingers on the table. I looked up with a glint in my eye. They looked at me and then down at their hands.

 

“Sorry, habit,” I held the gaze for a moment, before they continued, “How do you feel about the game tomorrow night?” I corked a brow.

 

“If you and Laura are going to be friends, why can’t we? So just answer the damn question and take the olive branch,” It wasn’t like I needed their friendship, but they were kind of not as lame as everyone else. We’re _not_ friends. 

 

“It’s going to be like every other game,” I flipped the page, “I’m going to throw great balls, Kirsch is going to catch them, and we’re going to win and then go celebrate,” I finished. Silence hung in the air, and I sighed. 

 

“Are you coming?” I mumbled. I could see them smile in my peripheral vision.

 

“What was that?” I rolled my eyes, pressing my lips together.

 

“Are you coming to the game tomorrow? I don’t care either way though” I said slightly louder, looking over my book. They twirled their pencil in their hand, clearly reveling in the moment. 

 

“Eh,” They shrugged, “we’ll see,” Laf looked down at their notebook and started scribbling. I smiled for a second, looking back at my book. I left my headphone hanging not because I cared about what they said, I just didn’t feel like putting it back in. 

  
  


I headed to the locker room to get changed for practice. The hushed voices in the hall around the corner, beyond my vision had me stop in my shoes just for a moment. 

 

“This is only temporary, Theo. I mean it,” My chest fluttered, because I _knew_ that voice. 

 

“Of course, Laura. A few errands and we’re square, sound fair?” Their voices got quieter as they walked further away. I inched toward the corner, peeking around just for a moment. It was enough to send my head reeling. _What did Laura want with Theo frickin Straka?_ Everybody knew he was shady but no one really said anything with him being a second time senior. He had always stayed out of my way so I never really saw any value in bothering him. The only thing I knew about him was that he had a crazy amount of connections and rumors had it that he was tied to a fair amount of crime in the town and nearby city. _So what was he up to with Laura?_ I stopped my thinking where it was, shaking it from my head. _What do I care?_ I ignored my curiosity, heading into the locker room. 

 

Practice was fine with the exception Laura was running circles around me. Granted she always does that but my newly found appreciation for her toned body made it a little more difficult to not watch. Between plays my eyes would wander too much for my own good. I watched her make her next lap as I filled a small cup with water from the bench. I raised the cup to my mouth, the water touching my lips reminding me of how just last night I found a very wet Laura. She widened her stride, her breathing heavy, even from here I could see her sweating. Just for a moment I was back to the park with her last night, watching the water roll down her leg and she was scolding me all over again. The cup of water being tipped up, dumping on my face and over my jersey snapped me back to reality. Kirsch was in front of me looking annoyed.

 

“Dude, I’ve been saying your name for like 10 seconds trying to get your attention,”

I shook my head, and brushed off the front of my jersey, “I’m sorry I just…” I trailed closing my eyes for a second before looking at him. He looked over me at Laura running and when his eyes landed on me again his big brown eyes were soft again.

 

“Look I get that you like nerd hottie, and I’m sorry for what’s happening between you two, but tomorrow’s game is important, Milla. We need our captain focused,” I nodded,

 

“You’re right,” I rubbed my face with my hands, “I’m sorry, you’re right. I’ve been distracted. But I’m here,” I looked at him putting my helmet back on, “I’m here,” I echoed. He held out his hand and I took it doing a stupid “bro” shake he showed me and insisted we do since we’re “bros”. We walked back onto the field as coach started barking orders. He patted me on the back as we got into our huddle and I made our call. 

 

 

 

The friday night lights over us were bright as always and the crowds cheering in the stands were as rowdy as ever. Just like I did in practice the day before I called the next two plays, the same ones we practiced yesterday after Kirsch’s wake up call. It was a tighter game than we had expected, and their defense was breaking through our line far too often. I had to ditch multiple plays tonight to run up and get sacked because we couldn’t hold them.

 

I took my place behind my team, glancing up at the time. It was the 3rd Quarter with 7:34 left and the score was 13-11 us. Not a comforting lead in any way shape or form. My attention snapped back to the game when the ball was thrusted into my hands, I watched for a runner on my left. I slipped him the ball and kept running drawing the attention of the defense. I ran to the sideline and then up the field. Another body slammed into me, and we crashed to the ground together. My helmet saving my head for the millionth time as it hit the ground, a headache immediately forming. I groaned shoving the opposing Greendale player off me. The whistle blew for a touchdown, I sat up to see my runner throw the ball dramatically and cheer. Kirsch was the first to me, offering me his hand. He lifted me onto my feet, tapping my helmet gently. 

  
“Good call, Milla” I smiled, thanking him. I looked over at coach for the call, he tapped his elbow signalling for a two point conversion. We lined up for one more run. The ball snapped to my hands Kirsch was the one to break through the line and I found him immediately. The crowd cheered again, stomping their feet on the bleachers. 

 

When I walked off the field after the third quarter, I glanced up in the stands right behind our bench seeing Will. He had his face painted with my number on his cheek. I lifted my hand waving at him as he smiled down at me. It felt like looking in a mirror sometimes looking at him. We weren’t twins but it was common mistake. He held up a peace sign and it made my heart swell. He was the best younger brother I could have asked for. Even though he drove me crazy and I want to kill him almost all the time, he cared about me more than anyone else. I held up my peace sign and his smile grew, he always liked knowing that I loved him back. Every time we would part he would give me our universal sign of _i love you_ and would never fail to smile when I gave it back. 

 

Kirsch clamped a hand on my shoulder pad, nodding to the group forming around coach and I followed him. 

 

“Alright, listen up!” Coach yelled and the chatter died immediately. A couple of teammates gave me a light hit on the back as I walked over, I stood to the side with watchful eyes. Coach started giving his little pep talk, and my eyes wandered just over his head. My eyes scanning the stands, along the red and gold. I saw people cheering and chanting. I saw posters with lions, and our numbers. One sign with a red lion and a big 12, my number, waving in the air. Normally when I see people holding my number or cheering for me I feel nothing, it doesn’t inspire me, it doesn’t spark something in me, but that’s normally just because I never know the person or people holding the sign. But when I locked eyes with Lafontaine, I actually smiled. Them and Perry were next to each other, Perry waving a small Silas High flag. They waved frantically realizing I was looking at them, a smile on their face. They cupped their mouth trying to shout above the rest of the stadium,

 

“Go Carmilla!” I barely heard it over everything else but I heard it nonetheless. I lifted my hand, almost shyly, giving both of them a small wave. The whistle blew, and I ripped my eyes to coach.

 

“Karnstein?” I nodded, expectantly, “Go lead,” I steeled my face from all my previous emotions, remembering what Kirsch had told me. I need to be focused. We entered into the huddle, the velcro from my armband open as I looked over the next couple plays. I looked at the faces around me, even through the openings in their helmets I could see how hard they were working. Sweat dripping across their faces, jerseys dirtied by the brutality of the plays, it was going to be a long final quarter. 

 

8:23 left and the score was not in our favor. 25-21 them. The pressure was on but it didn’t bother me nearly as much as it felt like it was affecting the team. The possibility of losing was pretty foreign to everyone and no doubt had them worried. Coach grabbed my arm after they made their field goal. He flipped through his book, eyes wild. He grabbed my shoulder pad and my helmet suddenly felt heavier in my opposite hand. 

 

“I want you to run it,” He must have seen the flash of doubt in my eyes, “It’s where we’ve had the most success tonight. Unless Wilson breaks free of their defense and you can find him, run it, all night long. I hope you’ve been keeping up your cardio,”

 

I nodded abscently, putting my helmet on. We set up for the next huddle and I told them the same thing coach had told me. We we’re going to run the same plays we’ve scored off earlier in the game. We got in the line up and I already had a bad feeling. There was just something off in the air. I took my position, my eyes shifting over the line, meeting their best defensive player and my personal antagonist of the night, 32. He was a big guy, a heavy type of fit standing at about 6 foot. I paled in comparison with my mediocre 5’7 frame and would be crazy if I wasn't a little worried about getting tackled by him. He was watching me like a hawk, which was a bad thing for us. His eyes shifted to the end of the line where my player Newt was looking over his shoulder at me. _He just gave us away._ He would see the fake a mile away, which means I have to change the play on the fly, which was almost never good. 

 

The whistle blew, and I felt the ball in my hands. Newt ran toward me and I rapidly shook my head, he seemed to understand that he was now the fake. I could hear the sound of bodies slamming into each other, and the crunching of helmets bumping into each other. I saw an opening, and darted between the clashing teams. One defender made a grab but I spun out of his path while one of mine shoved at him. I kept running, my head turning every direction I could manage while staying straight. When the whistle blew all I knew was that I hadn’t felt the hit initially. I heard the crowd's reaction before I reacted myself. I rolled over onto my back, my breathing deep and heavy. Every breath laced with agony. Kirsch was over me in what felt like an instant, his hand on my stomach gently looking down at me. His helmet disregarded to the side like it was the least important thing in the world. All of my senses came flooding back and the ringing in my ears was subsiding.

 

“Are you okay?” Black was smudged all over his cheeks from the eyeblack, and sweat covered his forehead. I sat up wincing, 

 

“Yeah,” I paused for a minute, breathing, “Yeah, I’m alright,” I reassured him. 32 was lingering behind Kirsch, holding his helmet, a mild smirk on his face. One of his teammates made an off hand comment I couldn’t make out and he laughed drawing Kirsch’s attention away from me. Kirsch leapt to his feet, tackling the kid. _Shit._ I pushed myself up, ripping off my helmet. Kirsch’s fist was raised and I grabbed at his arm, tugging at him. Everyone else on the field had moved in on it. Someone grabbed me shoving me away from Kirsch and 32. I turned around naturally throwing a punch, at the kid who shoved me. Smaller brawls were breaking out around us, and the referee’s whistles were blowing as they tried breaking it up. 32 flipped Kirsch to the bottom raising a fist, I launched myself at 32, getting him off of Kirsch. The big blonde attempted a punch from below me that just grazed my cheek, as I felt someone wrap their arms around me pulling me forcibly away from the scruffle. I looked around my chest heaving, most of the fights had separated, some players were being pulled off the field. I broke the grip, seeing Kirsch with a bloody nose. 

 

“That’s enough!” The center ref yelled. The entire stadium was near silent. “We came here to play football! Now line up!” 

 

Kirsch wiped his face, walking past me to get his helmet. I saw mine had somehow ended up closer to the sideline. I walked over, ignoring the pain in my ribs when I bent down to grab it. When I stood again, I locked eyes with none other than Laura Hollis. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath all over again. Her eyes were big and concern was written in them. Her lips were parted speechlessly. Her blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail exposing her face. Her cheeks looked a deep red, almost the color of her lips. She stood on the opposite side of the fence, her knuckles white from her grip. I knew in my heart that her concern was for me, but it just made me more confused. Even in my confusion I didn’t want her to worry, and I felt a small smile pull at my own lips. I gave her a small wave, and I watched her let out a breath of relief. And when she smiled back at me, it made my heart stop, because I knew that it was for me and no one else. I put my helmet on, and turned away. _Focused._

 

When Kirsch caught the ball for a touchdown, the noise was deafening. And after our field goal we were finally able to relax and finish the game our way. When the final whistle blew and I walked off the field I couldn’t have felt more relieved. Will stepped through the gate opening, walking toward the bench grinning. He pulled me in for a tight hug, and I took a sharp breath. He let go almost instantly, his eyes skimming me for injuries. 

 

“You okay? Old lady pains?” I reached out pushing him gently. 

 

“Shut up. I think I might have bruised a rib or something,” My hand rubbed over my sore rib cage, “Can you help me just get my pads off inside?” He nodded,

 

“Yeah I’m just going to go see some of the guys real quick,” I waved him off, reaching behind the bench to grab my bag. 

 

People were clearing out, cars leaving the school parking lot, students walking around talking loudly. I headed toward the school. The door was heavy, another set of hands helping me. I glanced over my shoulder seeing William. I dropped my bag once I finally got inside the locker room. I was able to pull my jersey over my head and Will started to pull off the multitude of pads. My grey Silas Football shirt beneath was soaked with hard work. 

 

“Alright Kitty, I’m going to Josh’s and then I’ll meet up with you at the party?” I nodded, he reached down collecting my pads.

 

“And I’ll drop these off to coach,” 

 

“Thanks loser,” he smiled at me, closing the door. 

 

I pulled my shirt over my head, walking toward the sink. My reflection looked rough. My eyeblack smudged over my face, dirt smeared over my arms. The light bruise forming on my side drew my attention. I traced my fingers along, touching tenderly, and quietly wincing over sensitive spots. 

 

“For fuck’s sake,” I murmered to my reflection. I decided to get a shower here, rather than going home before the party. Since it was at Kirsch’s tonight, I had clothes there I could change into before it started, and I had a spare, clean pair of athletic shorts and another Silas Football shirt in my bag. The warm water felt soothing over my tired muscles. Washing away the noise, the game, everything. I braced myself putting my hand on the wall, just taking a moment to breath. I turned the water off, stepping out and grabbing my towel. I dried off my body pulling on my shorts and fixed my sports bra over. I flipped my hair over, drying it as well as I could. My head lifted hearing the locker room door close. 

 

“Hey Carmilla,” I mentally groaned, and pinched the bridge of my nose. 

 

“What are you doing here, Elle?” She was still in her cheerleading uniform and she had something in her eyes that I didn’t like. Her eyes drug up my body, pausing on my abdomen before flicking to my eyes. 

 

“I just came to get changed,” she pouted her lips, “wanna help a girl out?” She fiddled with the end of her skirt, looking with innocent eyes. I knew that look a little too well. My history with Elle was far from complex. It was rather simple. Cheerleader throws herself at the Quarterback and despite the Quarterback’s better judgement the cheerleader manages to manipulate them. Which is exactly how Elle worked. As much as I didn’t like her, she appealed to me. 

 

“I told you before, Elle. This isn’t a good idea…” She took a step closer to me and I matched her, taking a step back.

 

Her eyes mocked me, “You didn’t seem to have a problem before,” she teased. 

 

“That was before- I think you should go,” A chill traveled over my body as my back touched the cold metal of the lockers. I couldn’t back up any more and she was still coming closer. Her hands reached out toward me, and I grabbed them, pushing them toward her. 

 

“Elle, it’s not happening tonight. Go, please,” she sighed, dropping her hands. Her eyes prowled my body one more time.

 

“Fine, I’ll see you later,” She winked at me before turning on a heel for the door. A little too much pep in her step. She tossed me one more smile over her shoulder before opening the door and leaving. I sagged back against the lockers letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. _I really don’t like that girl._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Feel free to leave kudos or comments if you're comfortable! They're super helpful for me to keep writing and I love interacting with you peeps! But hey if you aren't comfortable doing that I love you just as much and thankful for your support in spirit and positive vibes! Til next time!


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